What you don’t see

There is a difference between what you see of me in public and what my family sees. And there’s a difference between what my family sees and what only the Lord and I know is going on with me.

People outside of my family see me at my best. Even if I am having a challenging MS flare that causes my limp to be more pronounced, generally when I’m out and about I have a ready smile and am able to stand and talk coherently for as long as necessary. It takes a fair amount of effort but I work hard to keep my MS from impeding my ability to fellowship, encourage or develop and maintain relationships. You might see me yawning or maybe I will forget a name or struggle to find a word I’m looking for but I laugh it off and most people hardly notice.

Then there is what my family sees. After a busy day, such as a full morning at church or grocery shopping, my ability to continue working hard on staying alert, standing for lengths of time, processing conversation and making appropriate facial expressions is seriously diminished. I’m fatigued.

Every little thing takes so much more effort than it ever did before- way more effort than I feel it should! My limp/foot drop is often more pronounced, I trip on the hardwood floor frequently, I yawn excessively, I speak very little and my sense of humor fades. I often have to take a nap. But even on days when I have had 10 hours of sleep the night before and all I accomplish is taking a shower and reading my Bible, I sometimes am so fatigued I have to take a nap after only having been awake for 2 or 3 hours.

Such is the random nature of Multiple Sclerosis. I have to plan for down time after an activity. A morning at church requires a quiet, restful afternoon and evening. A day at the fair with the kids requires a full day- maybe two - without any major activities. Two days of activities in a row - depending on the activities- could require 2 or even 3 days of rest. It takes a toll on my entire family when my energy level is low and my pace is slow.

And I yawn when I am fatigued - a LOT! It can sometimes cause my family or others to be offended because they think I’m bored with them but that is NOT generally the case! My brain just has to work harder to focus and process what is being said and longer conversations are just harder on my poor brain!

And then there is always the risk of me taking a tumble. I fell 4 times in July alone. Twice because my left ankle rolled and my balance is bad so I couldn’t recover and just fell. Twice because I just have poor balance and once I start falling, I can’t stop myself from hitting the ground. I try not to fall of course and if I could keep my falls a secret from my family, I would just because I don’t want them to worry about me. But when I fall in my room just trying on a new pair of pants (because I stubbornly refuse to sit down and get my legs into the pant legs first), the loud thud is pretty hard to hide from my family.

Then there are the things I deal with silently that only the Lord knows in detail. Things I don’t mention to my family for a multitude of reasons like not wanting to always be pointing out my struggles, not wanting them to worry, not wanting to focus on myself, not wanting cause them to be discouraged…

I am dizzy ALL the time. A lot of my energy is spent just trying to walk in a straight line and keep from tripping or running into things. And that is one reason I spend so much time sitting down at home. If I DO find myself in a position where I have to remain standing for longer periods of time, my ears start ringing loudly, the inside of my mouth starts going numb and my lips start tingling and losing feeling. Sometimes my brain is processing conversations but not fast enough for me to participate in those conversations so I don’t say anything at all. I lack the ability to communicate my difficulties with speech in those moments which is another reason they don’t know everything that I am experiencing.

There’s the swallowing difficulties sometimes too. I don’t like to think about it but sometimes, when I am really fatigued, I start to have difficulty swallowing. Of all the symptoms MS causes in me, this one scares me the most so I don’t like to talk about it.

So, in case you were curious about the impact of MS on my life, now you know some of what I struggle with. But God is good ALL the time and through each challenge I find blessings.

And now, 🥱 I’m going to go take a nap…😴

Bring the Hype!

My daughter spent last week as a cabin leader at camp. When she first got there she and one of her co-cabin leaders discussed the need for them to “bring the hype” as she put it. In other words, put energy in to every activity with the girls in their cabin. The way this worked itself out was that my daughter was helping with the fishing during free time. She is passionate about fishing as it was an activity she REALLY enjoyed as a camper and she has developed a close relationship with the man who comes up to camp every summer to teach the younger campers how to fish and he also teaches spiritual lessons at the same time. So she “hyped” her whole cabin up to go fishing with her - early in the mornings! And as a result, their cabin caught the most fish during the week. Also, there was an activity planned that none of the girls felt like doing. Even the cabin leaders were tired and didn’t feel like putting energy into it. But my daughter and her co-cabin leader infused their campers with energy by encouraging them and by cheering them on and they were the only ones doing so. The activity was a tug of war and their cabin had some of the smallest girls at camp. As a result of their encouragement, their cabin came in second place, beating 6 other cabins. And when it was time for the leaders to compete, their cabin of girls were the only cabin cheering their leaders on. What my daughter understood at the beginning of camp was that all her best camp experiences were when her cabin leaders were energetic and “brought the hype.” She would get terribly homesick at camp and having cabin leaders who were low energy and who didn’t put effort into activities or spending quality time with their campers made her homesickness all the more acute. Keeping the kids active and engaged keeps their minds occupied and it energizes them. Knowing their leaders care about them and their camp experience opens the campers’ hearts to the gospel. My daughter was letting the love of Christ flow through her and that is the reason for a Bible camp - to show the love of Christ to kids who come from a variety of backgrounds and love them in a way that draws them to Christ. We all should “bring the hype” as often as possible!

And believers need to be infused with energy too. The world can really beat a person down and life can be very fatiguing so it is vital that we “bring the hype” to fellow believers whenever we are able. The way that might look could be sitting down next to an older believer who can’t walk around and mingle on a Sunday morning but who might be discouraged and need a little social interaction. Or complimenting a little girl on her pretty dress or thanking someone for a kind gesture. One of the best ways I have found is to send a note of encouragement in the mail. People love getting mail that isn’t a bill or an advertisement. And a surprise note of encouragement can make a person’s week. Encouragement is contagious.

I want to experiment with something. Will you join me? I want to start a “sunshine club” but keep it a secret. Would you be willing to write a note of encouragement to someone at your church, in your neighborhood or even in your own family once a month? Pick someone different each month. Just a quick note letting them know you are thinking about them. We have a directory of the people who attend our church. Maybe send a birthday card in the mail, or a get well note to someone recovering from an illness or surgery. I guarantee it will cause your own spirits to lift and you will lift the spirits of others. Help me “bring the hype” to a very weary population. 😃

Sometimes I Wish I was Invisible

Today was one of those days.

I take a medication that is most commonly prescribed for people with ADHD to help them with focus. In MS it is prescribed for energy and focus. I am on the lowest possible dose and I only take it once every other day. My prescription says to take it up to as many as 3 times a day, every day. But in the past, I had been prescribed a different ADHD medication that I took twice a day, every day for a year or two and then my body started rejecting it - it started causing constant, extreme, debilitating fatigue so I quit taking it altogether and went a couple of years without any medication to help with my increasing MS fatigue. So when I finally agreed to try this other medication, I was not taking any chances. I take it once every other day - more often only when I really need to.

Needless to say, I did not take this medication today. Some times I can make it through a day just fine without it but other days are more difficult. Today is one of the difficult ones.

When fatigue starts kicking in, I get frustrated easily. I get irritable and my sense of humor fades.

Today, I came downstairs and my husband was making himself an omelet for breakfast and he wanted to make one for me too. Sweet idea but I don’t generally eat breakfast so I wasn’t hungry. I’m not active enough to eat 3 meals a day and I have been gaining weight. I didn’t want an omelet but he laid a guilt trip on me so I agreed he could make one for me too.

I sat down across from my husband at the dining room table to eat breakfast and we each also planned to read our Bibles while eating. But instead of a quiet morning reading, my husband started right out talking about his thoughts on Ecclesiastes which is where he has been reading this week. A fascinating topic that I normally would really enjoy but it delayed my time with the Lord and I started to feel frustrated. After that, he decided to “quickly” read a couple of emails from his work to me followed by his commentary. This is the first time today that I wished I could be invisible. Just for an hour.

When I am feeling fatigued, I just need it to be quiet and especially when I am trying to spend time with the Lord. I need at least half an hour with Him at the beginning of every day - it energizes me. And on a day like today, anything that distracts me and prevents me from having the quiet time I need is an immediate frustration. I can’t help it. Fatigue makes it difficult for me to handle interruptions to my routine.

Increasing fatigue makes it increasingly difficult to hide my frustration- especially if I don’t get a few minutes of quiet to help me organize and focus my thoughts.

Just as we were finally starting to read, our son came downstairs for breakfast. Another interruption. I love my family but I had been up for 2 hours and had zero quiet time. Once the distractions were down to a minimum I was finally able to start reading but, sitting across the table from my husband means he is going to continue interrupting my thoughts with comments. I can’t pick up and move to a new location because this offends him and makes him think I don’t like spending time with him. Never mind this was supposed to be my time with the Lord…

I finally worked my way through my reading although it was disjointed and I lacked the ability to really concentrate or meditate on the scriptures I was taking in.

Next I had to get into the kitchen to start making a shepherd’s pie. I had to make it today even though it won’t be eaten until Sunday because tomorrow I will be gone for a good portion of the day picking my daughter up from camp. My husband decided to do some work in the garage while I worked in the kitchen. You would think I could experience a time of quiet then since my son was playing with his iPad. But no, my husband interrupted several times by coming inside and asking me to come out to the garage so he could show me something. I also felt I needed to teach my son how to peel potatoes. By the time the meat and gravy portion of the shepherd’s pie was done and the potatoes were peeled, it was time to fix lunch. I tried to sit down and rest in a chair while the potatoes were boiling but my husband brought in some china dishes that had been his Mom’s that needed to be gone through, inventoried and then put into storage.

The potatoes were done more quickly than I had hoped and I had only a few minutes to rest before having to jump back into the kitchen.

Before our daughter was 2 months old we figured out that the key to helping her calm down when she was crying uncontrollably (as long as she was fed and had a clean diaper) was to spread a blanket out on the ground and just let her kick and cry it out. If we tried to hold her and rock her she would not only take longer to calm down but her frustration would get worse. This was hard for grandparents to take. They wanted to just scoop her up and cuddle her but that’s not what worked for her. The same tactic works with her today. She doesn’t kick, scream and cry now but when she is upset about something, the fastest way for us to help her to process her feelings and get back to her old self is to leave her alone. My Dad was the same way. When he was sad or upset, he went down the hall to the office, closed the door and quietly dealt with his pain. I guess it runs in the family.

But I didn’t used to be that way. I used to hate being alone. MS has changed me in many ways but this is one of the biggest changes and one of the most difficult adjustments for my family to make. My husband has had a particularly difficult time with this new reality and can’t quite make the necessary adjustments because it’s not something he understands or can relate to.

Sometimes my husband interrupts my activities because he says I need a hug. He is the one who actually needs the hug though. This sounds really sweet and I used to really appreciate it when he would interrupt me like that because it provided a welcome break. Now though it frustrates me. On a low energy day I have to keep moving or I won’t finish the things I’m trying to accomplish. I will lose track of what I’m doing and it just takes me longer to get back on track after an interruption. Plus, everything takes longer for me to do anyway so delaying me means delaying my rest. By this time, I was in desperate need of a nap. But I had to finish mashing potatoes, spreading them on top of the shepherd’s pie and washing all the dishes.

I didn’t have lunch because I had an omelet for breakfast but my husband ate lunch while watching TV. He searched YouTube while I was in the kitchen and found a couple of videos he wanted me to watch with him. More noise and more interruptions. I wanted so badly to be invisible!

While mashing potatoes I had to scrape the sides of the mixing bowl with a spatula which caused another very minor delay but I was having a harder and harder time being patient with delays. I quietly sighed to myself in frustration but my husband heard it and immediately questioned me about what was wrong. Having watched my fatigue worsening and my patience waning throughout the day, he still didn’t seem to get that making me try to explain my frustration was only making matters worse. Talking becomes more difficult because thought and communication take mental energy and I was rapidly running low on all forms of energy. I told him he should just ignore me when I seem frustrated but he argued that he often feels that he is the cause of my frustration and needs to find out if there is anything he can do to help. Sometimes the hardest thing for him to do is to just be quiet and leave me alone. As counterintuitive as that sounds, it’s the fastest way to help me beat my fatigue and ease my frustration.

I finally got a nap. It wasn’t a long nap but it was exactly what I needed. I admit that when I woke up, I laid in bed for awhile enjoying the silence, praying and organizing my thoughts. I wasn’t invisible but I was left alone for an hour and that was all I really needed.

I am thankful in some ways for this new perspective. It helps me understand my daughter in ways I didn’t before and it helps me relate to people who get over-stimulated in social situations or are more introverted than I am.

If I could, I would snap my fingers when I need a quiet break and hide myself from view. These are the days I need an extra measure of strength, patience and grace. I always need the Lord. But some days He walks with me side by side and some days He has to pick me up and carry me.

Examining My Motives

I have spent a lot of time trying to examine my true motives for the things I do and say these days. Am I truly seeking glory and honor for Christ alone or do I want a little respect or acknowledgement for my self sometimes too? Am I seeking the Lord’s will and considering others or do I feel like I can go it on my own because I am confident I know what I’m doing?

I was asked recently to give the devotional at a friend’s bridal shower. I accepted and later felt extremely inadequate to give a devotional fit for a bridal shower attended by a group of women from our church, most of whom are much more qualified than I am! But then I took a look at myself and my internal thoughts and motives. Had I accepted the task initially because I felt a little pride in being asked to share my thoughts on marriage? Was I now feeling inadequate because I feared the judgmental eyes of others if I didn’t do justice to the subject? The Lord stopped me in my thoughts and reminded me that He has all the answers and marriage was HIS design. The Bible is full of marriage advice and then He told me just to trust Him to give me the words. He reminded me that the bridal shower was about the bride, not me and the devotional was about God, not me. In short, I didn’t matter! [As an aside: I have been given permission by the bride-to-be to post the devotional to this blog so I will end this post with my very wordy devotional for those who have the time, patience and desire to read to the end.]

I prayed - A LOT - as I studied and worked on writing out this devotional. I had only a week to prepare and I have a family - a husband and kids on summer break from school that I could not neglect while working on this devotional. Without divine intervention I was never going to get this pulled together! Thankfully, I was able to get it finished and then, recognizing that I am a flawed human being, I decided to ask for the advice of two of my trusted friends (who live in different parts of the country and who have never met anyone from our church) and opened myself up to their criticisms of my devotional and suggestions for improvement. God used them to not only help me in this practical way but they also upheld me in prayer as I delivered this devotional at the shower.

Now to the shower itself and thinking about motives...

When invitations were sent out they gave a start time and a location and said more details would follow. When I was called and asked to give the devotional I was told I would have about 15-20 minutes but the person who asked me did not know the schedule. More details never did follow. Our daughter needed to be up at camp (which involved taking a ferry) by 3:30pm the day of the bridal shower. For our family this meant that we would need to have lunch and then we would need to leave our home by 1pm to head to the ferry terminal. I have been to several bridal showers at our church and thought I knew what to expect so I wasn’t concerned that we didn’t have more details and I was sure we could do both activities since the shower was at 9:30am.

At a typical bridal shower (historically at our church anyway) there might be coffee, tea, maybe donuts and punch for people to sip and munch on throughout the shower. Generally we have started out right away with prayer, a devotional and a fun game or two. After this, the bride-to-be opens her gifts and passes them around for all to admire and someone is tasked with writing a list of the gifts and who the giver was to make it easy for thank you notes to be written as cards often get separated from gifts at a shower. Then guests are free to fellowship or leave and get on with the activities of their day. I remember my own bridal shower so fondly! My favorite parts were the devotional and the passing around of the gifts. One very flamboyant older woman held up a nightgown I had received and danced around the circle of women at the shower! And probably my favorite part of all was the impromptu singing of Happy Birthday by the little boy who was at my shower with his mother and sister and who would later be the ring bearer at our wedding. It was very casual and fun and I don’t remember anyone separating out into smaller groups of friends - we were all one big group and I felt loved, included and I knew every single woman there was praying for me and my future.

This shower was very different. I am not saying every bridal shower has to follow the same set schedule. But the expectation is that every bridal shower will have certain elements in common and will be roughly an hour long or maybe 2 hours at the most. So that is what the majority of attendees were anticipating when we committed to attending this bridal shower.

The first 30 minutes of this shower guests just mingled and waited for the shower to begin. At 10am a prayer was offered and we were invited to find a seat at a table and enjoy breakfast (during which there was a game) there was a full variety of foods and even cheesecake. It was quite a spread and a lot of work had obviously gone into it. At about 10:45 we were moved to an area where chairs had been set up in a square - facing inward. Another prayer was offered and 5 full hymns had been chosen for us to sing. At about 11am I was asked to give “a short devotional”. I had thought I would pray before I spoke but I was feeling rushed because I knew my devotional was going to take close to 20 minutes and I knew I really needed to leave by no later than 11:30 in order to get home to fix lunch for my family so we could leave by 1pm. So I jumped right in and read as fast as I could without sounding TOO rushed. When I was done, there was an awkward silence. I was then asked to pray and I hope my prayer was coherent because I wasn’t expecting to be asked to pray and I was distracted by the silence and by my need to exit the shower. I announced after the prayer that my daughter and I had to leave, I hugged the bride-to-be and we left. We missed all the gift opening festivities.

I was left with a sinking feeling that my devotional had not gone over well with this group of women. One of my friends who had encouraged and helped advise me asked how it went and I didn’t have an answer. But then it occurred to me that, if my motive truly WAS to remove myself and give God the spotlight, I had accomplished that - or rather, God had. He placed me in a position where I was not available to receive immediate feedback. And in that place, I wrestled with my desire for affirmation - and I let it go. I do not NEED human approval if I am accomplishing God’s will.

On Sunday, I got very positive feedback from several of the women in attendance. The Lord graciously gave me what I had secretly desired - but not until after I had let that desire die in my heart.

I also found out on Sunday that the shower and subsequent clean-up had not ended until after 1pm. There were still people lingering and talking after 1. Here I have to interject some thoughts on motives. First, I will mention that not a single person reached out to me to tell me what the schedule for the shower would be and no one asked if I was available for the entire shower. I never dreamed a bridal shower would last nearly 4 hours. There were people who traveled to this shower that spent an hour or more on the road (some took a ferry) just to get there and would spend just as much time traveling back home. There were 5 or 6 women in their 70’s and 80’s who had to get rides to and from the shower who could not just leave when they got tired. Did the organizers take these ladies and their physical limitations into consideration? It doesn’t appear they did. Were they aware one in attendance was recovering from a surgery she’d had earlier in the week? Likely not.

I am not the only attendee who had afternoon plans that day. Even the bride-to-be had plans scheduled. The organizers of the shower had good ideas but they had not thought about the needs of the guest of honor or the other guests when making their plans. They had not communicated their plans the invited guests and it doesn’t appear that they sought the counsel of more experienced women in this matter. Is it because these ladies felt they didn’t need help planning a party? Or because they thought they knew better how to plan a bridal shower and thought the old way was inadequate for what they were trying to do? I think they initially truly intended to provide a fun bridal celebration and it WAS in many respects. But they inadvertently caused problems for many women whose husbands did not appreciate their wives unexpectedly being gone at a bridal shower that should have lasted an hour or 2 but instead lasted 3 or 4. I left the shower early - after only 2 hours - and even I was gone from home for 3 hours because of travel time and I live closer than most of the people in attendance. Most women can’t afford to be gone from their families for hours on end without notice. I pray that, through this experience, lessons were learned.

Now I must examine my own motives for posting all this in a public blog. Am I simply venting my frustration and wishing to create discontent? No. My heart’s desire is to use this as an example to others to learn from and to encourage the young women in our church to examine their own motives and intentions. Talk to people outside of your core group of friends on Sundays and truly listen to them - find out what is going on with them. Not only when you are planning an event but regularly - so you can be better connected to the WHOLE church and so you know how to pray during the week. We are a church body - it doesn’t function properly when one part of the body decides to go it alone and ignores the needs, advice and capabilities of the other parts of the body. Take an inward took and TRULY examine your motives. If you aren’t concerned with the schedules and responsibilities of the people you invite to a function, you aren’t showing love and your good intentions are going to end up causing harm. I don’t feel that old but I’m older than everyone who had a part in planning the shower. As an older believer, I am supposed to encourage the younger women to examine themselves and help them grow as spiritual leaders - they are part of the future of our church and their growth and maturity is essential to a properly functioning church. I know this sounds harsh in some ways but sometimes loving correction can feel like harsh judgement. I love all these ladies and I appreciate all the work they put in to planning and executing on the plans for this bridal shower. My prayer is that they be humble enough to admit amongst themselves that they made some mistakes and endeavor to learn from those mistakes. These things are easily forgiven and forgotten if handled with the proper heart attitude (by everyone).

Now, for those who have made it this far and are still interested, the following is the devotional message I gave at my friend’s bridal shower:

Bridal Shower Devotional

When I was first asked to do the devotional for this bridal shower I said “yes” right away.  This bride-to-be is my friend and I did not hesitate to jump at the opportunity to give a devotional at her bridal shower.  But in the hours and days following I started to feel wholly inadequate to prepare a devotional before such a godly group of women.  I have never done anything like this before and the last bridal shower I attended was 16 years ago.  I am ill equipped to give marriage advice.  I reached out to some of my closest friends and I asked for prayer.  They were encouraging and supportive, have been praying since and likely are praying at this very moment.  

The truth of the matter is that I AM inadequate for this task.  So my prayer has been as I prepared this, and is today, that the Lord would guide my thoughts, direct my heart and speak through me the thoughts that He wants to convey to my friend, His daughter, as she looks forward to a new chapter in her life as a married woman.

I really felt like I should first focus less on marital advice and more on the most important member of a godly marriage - Jesus Christ.  

The Bible is very clear that, regardless of our marital status, Jesus must be our first love.  “Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment.” Matthew‬ ‭22‬:‭37‬-‭38‬.  So love God with your whole heart.  And if you do, He will fill your heart so full that your heart will overflow with love that will spill over on to your husband in an abundance that would otherwise not be possible.  Because without a deep, abiding love for our Savior, we do not possess the ability to love others deeply.  “Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.””  Luke‬ ‭6‬:‭38‬ ‭. So give your whole heart to God and watch how much He gives you in return!

The Bible is also clear that we should put our full trust in Jesus.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;” Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬ ‭ He is the foundation of your life and marriage.  As human beings are not always reliable; we sometimes disappoint one another.  Husbands sometimes fail in their leadership roles and wives fail to listen to and support our husbands at times.  We are flawed.  But the Lord can ALWAYS be trusted.  

Always listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit.  He understands us individually and as a married couple.  This is where you turn when you don’t understand your husband or are confused about what you should do as a wife.  And if you don’t know what to say, remember the Holy Spirit is your advocate, your heart’s interpreter.  “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.”  Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭26‬.  If you are both in tune with the Holy Spirit, you will be able to ask for guidance in prayer and each will often come to the same conclusion.  

Serve the Lord in any capacity He asks of you.  Your service will not only please the Lord but will bless those you are serving and benefit your marriage.  “She extends her hand to the poor, Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy. Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Proverbs‬ ‭31‬:‭20‬, ‭30‬. When you serve the Lord willingly and with gladness, you bring praise and honor to the Lord and you are praised by others to your husband who will, in turn, be happy with the choice he made in choosing a wife and love you all the more.

Clothe yourself in humility.  A humble wife understands that not every opinion needs to be expressed.  Not every disagreement is worth the argument.  Letting go of pride is essential in the Christian life as well as in a godly marriage.  “When pride comes, then comes shame; But with the humble is wisdom.” Proverbs‬ ‭11‬:‭2‬.  ‭”The humble He guides in justice, And the humble He teaches His way.” Psalms‬ ‭25‬:‭9‬ “He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?” Micah‬ ‭6‬:‭8‬ “Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife.”  II Timothy‬ ‭2‬:‭22‬-‭23‬ ‭ When you DO disagree (and you will), be respectful.

With humility naturally comes submission - to God and to our husbands but also to each other as believers.  “rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands,” I Peter‬ ‭3‬:‭4‬-‭5‬  “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” Philippians‬ ‭2‬:‭3‬ “Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another;” Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭10‬ ‭You cannot submit to anyone if you are prideful.

Now, back to this love business.  Loving God and putting Him first in your life breeds perfect love which you are then able to lavish on your spouse.  “But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked.” I John‬ ‭2‬:‭5‬-‭6‬ ‭ It’s so easy and tempting, especially when you are newly married, to prioritize your love for your spouse because it’s exciting!  But don’t let your relationship with Christ take a back seat to your husband.   The two of you need to work to keep Christ central to your marriage because HE is the key to a successful marriage.  My daughter read this quote the other day:  “A woman’s heart must be so close to God that a man has to seek Him to find her.”

You two are now one body.  All the verses about the body of Christ apply to your new identity as a married couple. “but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ— from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.” Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭15‬-‭16‬ ‭

Now one piece of wisdom from my father-in-law who was a marriage and family counselor.  Be careful what you say to one another.   There are things that should never be said in a marriage - even in anger during an argument - things you can’t un-say.  You can cause a lot of hurt with poorly chosen words that can cause lasting damage in a marriage relationship.  Let’s face it, we forgive but only God is capable of truly forgetting.  It is extremely important to control our tongues.  I would argue that it is most important in our closest relationships to be mindful of the words we speak to one another.  “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”  Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭29‬, ‭31‬-‭32‬ ‭ “Whoever guards his mouth and tongue Keeps his soul from troubles.” Proverbs‬ ‭21‬:‭23‬ ‭

Along this theme, I don’t know where I heard this as a teen but I heard or read that you should not use the words “always” or “never” in arguments.  If I say to my spouse in a moment of frustration “You never listen to me!”  Or “You always forget to put the toilet seat down!”  Are either of those statements founded in truth?  No!  My husband doesn’t always want to listen to what I have to say but I can’t honestly say he NEVER does and if I say that to him, I am provoking an argument unnecessarily and creating a bigger issue out of a minor frustration.

While this is a good communication guideline in human relationships, the same does not hold true in our relationship with Jesus Christ.  Always and never are the only appropriate words to describe His faithfulness.  He is ALWAYS available, ALWAYS listens, ALWAYS trustworthy.  He is NEVER cruel, NEVER unfaithful, and He NEVER lies.  So, put all your trust in God and you will never lack security in any of your relationships.

In short, put God first, trust God most, listen to the Holy Spirit best, serve God faithfully, submit yourself humbly, guard your mouth wisely and love God generously.  

Scripture has a lot of marriage advice.  But the best marriage advice in scripture is wrapped up in how we are to live a godly, victorious Christian life.  Every relationship we have is blessed when we walk in close communion with Jesus.  

As I worked my way through my study on this subject I noticed that I Corinthians 13 really sums up the ideas I have tried to convey and adds more - in a LOT fewer words!  I will let it speak for itself without commentary from me:

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

‭‭I Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4‬-‭7‬, ‭13‬ ‭

One final note:

Almost everything is about to change for you. Your address, your name, your routine, your lifestyle… But because you have put your faith and trust in the God who never changes (“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8) you can confidently and boldly embark on this new adventure called marriage and build on the firm foundation - the Rock of your salvation - Jesus Christ!

One of those…

I have been corresponding with a teen who has been struggling with depression. She told me that no matter how hard she prays she doesn’t hear anything in her heart from God. She feels ignored. I have been trying to help her understand how to get closer to God. She is young and naive in so many ways and I love her. I want her to experience the joy and peace that comes with a close walk with Jesus. So I suggested that she start her prayer time with confession. I told her that unconfessed sin can block her prayers and cause distance between her and God. I told her that the Lord is looking for a humble heart that lets go of pride and admits sin and repents of that sin. That is one step in abiding in close communion with the Lord.

To my surprise she responded with “Oh, you’re one of those!” I was so surprised by her response that I had to ask her what she meant by that. She said that she hates it when people suggest that she is an horrible person whose actions have any bearing on her relationship with the Lord. She said that God’s love for us doesn’t change - He loves us regardless of our behaviors. She is correct that God loves us no matter what. Nothing we do can separate us from His love. “For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭38‬-‭39‬ ‭

But He can love us from a distance or He can love us up close and the difference is in how we approach Him. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” James‬ ‭4‬:‭8‬ ‭

We have to lay down our pride and submit humbly to God, confessing our sins (not just once when we are first saved) and willing to learn and apply what we have learned to our lives. The Christian life is not a sprint - it is a marathon. As one of our platform speakers once put it: The Christian life is a long obedience in the same direction.

This teen I have been working with has formed her opinions and beliefs and is unwilling to consider that she could have some wrong ideas. Here are some actual quotes from her:

“No actually I feel very fine in what I believe :) because I believe I am right and I feel really good about it actually.”

”Actually I do not feel bad or convicted at all.”

“I am actually quite calm. Never offended or being rude or defensive or upset at all.”

“I am smart and mature and do have very good judgment :)”

“I have my own stance and I am sure I can prove it with logical biblical knowledge.”

Her opinion is that she is a good person and that any suggestion she isn’t is hurtful, judgmental and wrong. I tried to remind her that scripture says no one is good - not one person in this world is good because we are born with a sin nature.

“As it is written: “There is none righteous, no, not one;” Romans‬ ‭3‬:‭10‬ ‭

I should not be surprised by her attitude about God though. Most churches just don’t teach the meatier parts of scripture anymore and so Christians are fed only spiritual milk or baby food. Families don’t have spiritual discussions around the dinner table - most don’t even gather together for a meal anymore. A shocking number of Christians don’t read their Bibles regularly, let alone every day. And teens (including this girl I have been chatting with) spend all day and all night (literally - this girl has severe insomnia in addition to clinical depression) consuming social media reels and posts which is where they go for the information that they use to form their opinions.

The BIBLE is the only reliable source for how to live and what to believe. I believe the Bible so yes, I proudly claim that I’m one of THOSE!

It is so good to have good friends!

I have been blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life that I can call friends. I don’t tell them often enough how much I appreciate their encouragement and the strength their prayers for me provides. Friends are an invaluable part of our lives and we can’t truly understand why if we isolate ourselves and don’t develop or maintain friendships.

I will readily admit that I have days when I want to be left alone. I’m tired and overwhelmed and I don’t have the energy to spend communicating with people. There are times I could probably go a week or more without social interaction and I would enjoy that time alone. I’m never really alone. God is always right here with me so I am perfectly content alone with Him. There is great value in time spent alone but that should never be a place I stay. Too much time alone separates me from the influence and support of others that God has sent into my life to be tangible evidence of His love and care for me.

In short, God loves me through my friends. He shows His love for me in other ways too but I would be missing out on a vast ocean of His love if I didn’t surround myself with the friends He sends into my life.

I have a couple of dear friends who live really far away from me. I am in Washington State and some of the most amazingly faithful, encouraging, humble, inspiring, godly prayer warriors I know live in different states - one in New Mexico, one in Missouri, two in California and one in Alabama. I also have dear friends who are missionaries in Ecuador and also some in Poland. They all have very unique situations and personalities and I am so thankful for the blessings they are in my life.

I could send any one of these friends a prayer request and I KNOW they would figuratively drop to their knees and pray immediately and faithfully.

One of these friends has a son who also lives with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). But she and I connect with each other on a heart level that few friends ever achieve. Jesus loves me through her!

Another of these friends also lives with MS herself. She and I can discuss our individual health struggles and just know that the other understands on a level that few people do and in a way that no one else I know does because none of my other friends have actually experienced life with MS.

I have local friends too who are SUCH a welcome encouragement! As much as I love my friends that live in distant places, the value of physically being in the presence of people who I love us immeasurable. To see a smile, hold a hand, receive a hug from a faithful friend are all so necessary for my spiritual and emotional health.

From the friends who reach out and offer help with things I can’t do (like altering a dress for our daughter) to friends who can’t do anything but offer prayer, fellowship and a smile (like our 98 year old friend who is housebound) I draw strength and comfort from knowing that I have a safety net of friendships that the Lord has surrounded me with.

I have friends who are just love personified. Friends who are struggling through cancer treatments, yet who find a way to smile and who are an encouragement just by sending a short text or by being at church on Sunday and available every time I sit down next to them to chat.

I have friends who are uplifting and it is such an encouragement to hear how the Lord has been working mightily in their lives - even in the wake of tragedy and through difficulties. It is refreshing to hear others talk about how they are doing week to week, how I can pray for them, how I can rejoice with them.

In addition to enjoying being around my friends, texting with them, etc. I think about them during the week. I pray for them and their families. Knowing about the details of their lives drives me closer to the Lord and keeps my focus off of myself. Having friends means feeling God’s presence continually.

I have cousins who I love because they are my cousins - but some of them are also very close friends of mine. Regardless of the subject I am always glad to hear from them. And because we have known each other all our lives, we know each other’s back story. We share a history that no one else can ever really relate to. We have a unique friendship that goes way back and deep. And some of that history is painful but I am grateful for every shared experience. In some ways, my cousins are the friends God chose for me before I was born. I mean, He certainly chose my other friends too and sent them into my life exactly when I needed them. But I had a choice about whether I would allow other friends into my life. I didn’t have a choice with my cousins - they have always been in my life whether I would have chosen them or not! But I am SO grateful God put us in the same family because we don’t live near each other either and never really have. If we weren’t related we likely would never have even met and I would have missed out on some amazing friendships!

I have friends from all different cultures and I benefit so much from hearing their perspectives on American culture. It is so amazing to see how God brings together people from all walks of life and creates a rich environment of people who have almost nothing in common except for their love for Christ! It’s amazing and wonderful and I am just appreciating my friends more and more with each passing moment. I can’t reference every friend here because I am rich in the friend department but each friend is uniquely special to me and I do not take them for granted.

If you are one of my friends who is reading this, THANK YOU! Thank you for being my friend, for praying for me, encouraging me, allowing me to pray for and encourage you. Thank you for being you and for allowing God to use you to love me in ways you are not even aware you are being used.

It is good to have friends!

Pain Tolerance

I know I need to pace myself and limit the major tasks I tackle to one or maybe two per day. And a “major” task for me is defined differently than for a healthy person- and WAY differently than when I was healthy myself! A major task is grocery shopping - that pretty much uses up all my energy for a full day. Yard work has to be broken up into small, more manageable pieces. Housework also has to be broken down into smaller chores that are spread out over several days. Thankfully, I have capable teenagers who do the bulk of the housework and a husband who does the bulk of the yard work! But we have been trying to do some deeper “spring” cleaning this past week or so and that has been an all hands on deck process and I tried to do too much. As a result, after watering the raspberries and as I was putting the hose away, my ankle decided it was going to roll. I didn’t sprain my ankle because I fell all the way to the ground once it rolled. But I DID bruise the outer edge of my foot AND I think I pulled the muscle that runs across the arch of my foot (at least I HOPE that’s all I did). It hurt! But I have still been able to limp around so I have continued to do what I can to keep up with my life. I have always had a high pain tolerance and I rarely take pain relievers. I took some pain relievers for a couple of days because they are also anti-inflammatories and my foot was swollen. I iced it too. But it has been over a week now since I hurt my foot and it is not getting better. It’s not worse but it is getting harder to push through and ignore the pain. It was already fatiguing to drag my left leg around because my brain struggles to send signals down the left side of my body. But now that my left foot also hurts when I am walking, I am finding it even more fatiguing and my pain threshold is being stretched.

I have been experiencing a different type of pain over the past week as well. Someone I care about has been trying to engage in a political debate with me. She has very strong and very negative feelings that I keep trying to help her overcome by pointing her back to the Lord. She is not open to a different perspective or to taking a wider view of the issues she sees as problems. She wants to air her opinions and then she wants those opinions validated. She is a Christian that apparently doesn’t trust that Christ has everything handled and can’t rest in His promises. She doesn’t experience the peace or joy of knowing the Lord has control of a world that feels out of control. I don’t like arguing so I refuse to allow myself to be drawn in to a fruitless debate. I just keep bringing up scripture and urging her to seek Godly wisdom and discernment and to trust that God is able to use anyone to accomplish His purposes. She continues to fill my inbox with arguments and I am rapidly approaching my pain threshold.

I have been here before. I am related to a person who loves to debate so much that he purposely takes the opposite side from me on every issue just to argue. He calls it “discourse” and he really enjoys it. I do not. His life is a train wreck in every area and he has turned his back on God. He is an angry, bitter person who thrives on picking verbal fights. It is toxic and I had to cut off communication with him even though he is a member of my family and I love him. I pray for him but I can’t allow him to rent negative space in my brain. I reached my pain threshold with him years ago and a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders.

I know there are a lot of strong emotions out there regarding our country’s political situation. There is so much divisive rhetoric being tossed around and it’s ugly. It is important to understand that the people around us are not the enemy but are being USED by our enemy to create division and distract us. If we are full of anxiety, fear and anger and are fighting about our differences and debating political positions, we can’t be effective witnesses for Christ. We damage our testimonies and we miss out on the peace and joy we can experience when we put our full confidence in the Lord and trust that He has everything under control. We can choose not to be a part of the problem. I find that my threshold for this type of pain is higher when I keep my eyes on Jesus and out of the political fray. He is my hope and my redeemer. He has overcome the world and is my confidence and full assurance. He has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. As long as I keep this in perspective, if I truly believe God is omnipotent and omniscient, I am free from the burdens of this crazy, sinful world and I don’t have to tolerate the pain because I have a Savior who carries those burdens for me.