If it weren’t for MS..

MS has an outsized impact on my family. If it weren’t for MS, life in our home would look very different.

Before I get to the point of this post I need to make sure that you understand more about who I WAS before MS took over. I was high functioning intellectually and high energy physically. I was an eternal optimist with a can-do attitude, a great memory and confidence that, if I didn’t know how to do something, I could figure it out. I could work a full time job and stay up until midnight cleaning the house. I had a quick wit and a ready smile. My husband married this person. I matched his energy and encouraged him to be his best.

Enter MS. I was diagnosed in 2014 but things were obviously getting weird a couple of years before my diagnosis or I would not have been seeking medical help. I can honestly say that I knew very little about MS before my diagnosis. And my husband had a neighbor with MS but it was all physical disability for him, no mental or cognitive decline that my husband was aware of. So when I began to have difficulty having a discussion after 9 or 10pm, my husband and I didn’t realize it was related to the other physical symptoms I was experiencing that, together, ultimately led to my MS diagnosis.

As I have said before, I was relieved when I finally got the official diagnosis. I had answers and could get busy researching the disease and finding treatments. I approached MS the way I always used to approach a problem - with laser-focused energy - reading, making spreadsheets, taking notes, talking to doctors, etc. We came up with and implemented a treatment plan and I continued living my life as before… because I still could, for the most part. But MS does not just go away or stay the same forever. I eventually had to accept my decreasing abilities and make some changes - a LOT of changes. But every change has brought one or more new blessing that I am thankful for so that when I look back on who I was, I like who I AM better. I am not saying I like MS, I’m saying that without something like MS in my life I wouldn’t be the person I am now and my children would be different people as well.

So… now for the purpose of this post:

If it weren’t for MS…

1. I would be too busy working to notice the whispering of the Holy Spirit in my ear.
2. I would not have the depth of understanding of my own weakness and need for full reliance on the Lord moment by moment.
3. I would not have had the time to develop my relationship with the Lord the way I have - an hour a day in the Word would have been too much of a sacrifice.
4. I likely would never have felt the need to keep a daily thankfulness journal.
5. Trials would have hit me harder.
6. My children would not have needed to learn so many life skills because I probably would have just done most things for them in the name of efficiency.
7. I would not have had anywhere near as much quality time with my children, paying attention to their needs, listening to their hearts, helping them develop healthy spiritual lives, praying with them, etc.
8. I certainly wouldn’t have had time to start or maintain an active blog.
9. I would have had a full life that would not have been centered in the right place. I would have been saved but God would not have been my first priority.
10. I would not have been able to develop such a deep network of friends and prayer warriors because I would have been just too focused on my own life and family to notice the needs of others.
11. I would not have met one of the most inspirational and beautiful Christian women I know who now lives in Missouri - we were only introduced to each other because we both have MS.
12. I would not have stopped to chat with some lovely people I have met at grocery stores or at restaurants picking up food for our family. I would have been in too big a hurry to look up and notice them.
13. I would not be reading through the Bible with a group of people from our church on a group Bible reading plan as well as individually with another friend from my church.
14. Probably saddest of all, I would not have felt the urging of the Holy Spirit to share the gospel. I would not have been listening to- I would have been too busy.

I know all this because I know myself well - who I was and who I am now. I also know this because I see this in able-bodied and very capable working wives and moms everywhere- even in our church. Such is today’s culture. The pace is so fast that everyone is struggling just to survive each day.

I am a product of what happens when a chronic illness hits and you are no longer able to survive each day at the pace the world is keeping. A forced sidelining and re-prioritizing is what I, personally, needed to be an effective Christian. To be pulled away from the chaos to a private location where the Lord forces me to rest, be still, listen and recognize that I am not as capable of handling my own life as I thought.

If it weren’t for MS I would be self-focused, self-reliant, selfish - but I would be too busy to notice and, therefore, would not make the necessary changes in my attitudes, thoughts and behaviors. My life would not be as rich and meaningful.

Now, it would be okay with me if God chose to heal me. I hope I have learned the lessons He was trying to teach me - if not, I welcome the opportunity to learn more from Him. More than that though actually. He didn’t bring MS into my life just to teach me a few lessons. He brought MS into my life to show me how much and how deeply He loves me. He wanted me to be really listening when He told me. And that fact is so firmly impressed on my heart that no amount of distraction will ever erase it. So, He could heal me of MS any time…😉. But even if He chooses not to, I know I am deeply loved by God and His way is always best.

In short, I am a better person with MS than I was without it - because I am not only saved, but because of MS, Jesus has captured my heart in ways I never could have known possible and I am free and deeply loved.🥰.

So MS is a blessing and I’m deeply grateful.