Can You Relate?

When I was young, I suffered from chronic migraines. We didn’t realize what was going on until I was well in to high school when I finally went to see a neurologist because my headaches were getting so bad and so frequent. I was diagnosed with migraines but I had other types of headaches as well. I had tension headaches, headaches from eye strain, headaches when I was low blood sugar… I carried a pharmacy of pain medication with me everywhere I went. A different type of medication for each type of headache.

My migraines increased in frequency as I got older. I wasn’t sleeping and in college I missed several classes because of my headaches. One evening I missed a group project meeting and then class the next day because I had a bad migraine. One girl in my group was really angry and very unsympathetic. She felt I should have been able to push through the pain and nausea to participate in our group project. She bad-mouthed me in class the next day while I was absent. But a week or two later, I got a phone call from the angry girl from my group. She had a migraine. She was suffering and didn’t have any medicine because she hadn’t had a migraine in several years - thought she had “outgrown” them and didn’t remember how bad they were. She apologized to me for being insensitive and asked if I would be willing give her some of my migraine medication to help alleviate her symptoms. Of course I went straight to her dorm room to deliver the medicine for which she was exceedingly grateful. I wouldn’t wish a migraine on my worst enemy and some of you can relate! Some of my friends get some form of headache almost daily. I have been there.

My migraines started to come less frequently as I got older but still I was getting them at least once a month for years. I used all my sick days on migraine recovery.

Ultimately, for me, apparently my migraines were caused by my unique hormone balance which was disrupted by my first pregnancy and now I rarely experience migraines- maybe once or twice a year - just often enough to remind me of what it was like to be in that kind of chronic pain. If you have never had a migraine, count your blessings! The thing that is unique to migraines is that you generally get some kind of warning that it’s coming on. For me it starts with a blurring of one area of my vision- not overly obvious but it just looks like a piece of the picture I’m seeing is missing. Then, this tiny flashing light appears in one eye and it grows until my vision is almost completely blocked by these flashing lights which get bigger and bigger until they finally vanish from my field of view. It takes about half an hour for that eye sign to run its’ course and a half hour after that is when the pain begins. The key to pain reduction is getting medication down the hatch as soon as an eye sign develops. If you wait too long, your stomach freezes and is no longer capable of absorbing and distributing medication into your bloodstream. That’s where the nausea kicks in- once nausea begins, it’s too late for medication. Unlike a more run-of-the-mill headache, the pain and nausea are so intense (as are your sensitivity to light and sound) that you cannot function normally. Anything you might do to try to distract yourself from the pain only makes it worse and delays recovery. So, if you see someone at church or trying to function at work and they confide in you that they have a migraine- understand that they are suffering and making a Herculean effort to be there. Keep your voice down around them and give their brains some grace - they are not thinking clearly - it hurts too much.

I am thankful I do not suffer with this kind of pain anymore. But I will never forget what it was like to live with chronic pain. I would honestly rather have MS than chronic migraines- they are THAT debilitating. So, if you are suffering with headaches and migraines, I feel for you! I’ve been there.

My teen years and early twenties were challenging. Growing up I was never really great at anything. I liked school but I was an average student and I struggled through the awkward phases of puberty.

I loved singing but wasn’t good enough to get into the audition choir like I had hoped. I was a social person but didn’t really fit in with my peers at school or church so my closest friends were in my neighborhood or in the grade below me in school. I liked and played volleyball but wasn’t good enough to get onto the varsity team. My high school experience was a series of disappointments.

I was not naturally the person I am today. I was lonely, depressed, disappointed with life and in myself. My parents didn’t know how to help me and I felt unseen, unloved.

Add migraines to the mix and serious insomnia and I was exhausted, in pain and miserable.

I started having nightmares at a really young age. Scary (to me) nightmares about being chased by dinosaurs and a recurring nightmare about a wolf that was trying to eat me. I was probably 5 or 6 when my nightmares started. By high school my nightmares had become truly terrifying. Nightmares about being chased and stabbed or shot in the stomach. And then there were a series of nightmares where a shadow stalked me, whispering threats to me and showing me horrific scenes, trying to convince me I was killing people in my sleep. I prayed, slept with the light on, wrote verses I taped up all over the wall by my bed. But if I fell asleep, there would be another nightmare waiting for me.

I didn’t talk to my parents about any of it. I didn’t talk to ANYONE about it.

At the same time I was struggling with body image issues. My diet was awful. I ate a Snickers bar and washed it down with a Coke every day for lunch during my Senior year. I started excusing myself to go to the restroom after meals and forced myself to vomit. I developed an eating disorder called Bulimia. I popped laxatives like they were candy - by the handful.

I was a mess and I didn’t think anyone cared. I contemplated suicide several times.

So, if you have felt or are ever feeling lonely, inadequate, ugly, unloved, disappointed; have or ever had insomnia, relentless nightmares, an eating disorder or considered suicide - I can relate because I have been there.

I was rescued by God.

Not immediately, but little by little. Writing was my sanity. I have been a writer my whole life and my journaling kicked into high gear in high school. I needed an outlet and a way to process my thoughts and emotions. I began to realize that I was being selfish and was seeking attention from the world. I started reading my Bible and REALLY studying it. After college and when I had my first apartment (a studio apartment) where I lived alone, I would unplug my phone and sit in the middle of the floor and spend hours reading and studying my Bible.

I began to realize that people are never going to fulfill my needs because people are flawed. The only thing people can really be counted on to do consistently is to disappoint us.

The ONLY source of lasting peace, unconditional love and perfect security is God.

I started to recognize that I had a purpose and that God had a specific plan for me that Satan was trying to disrupt. I made a verbal declaration that I would fight the spiritual battles and would NOT let Satan win.

My nightmares went away. The Lord gave me the power to overcome my insecurities and I gained confidence in Him that cannot be shaken.

I am living a victorious life for Christ! Satan might have sent MS my way to test my confidence in Christ or maybe to make me question His goodness and love. But it did exactly the opposite because I fought hard battles in my youth and I learned hard lessons- but I REALLY learned them and I KNOW I am deeply loved by my Savior Jesus Christ and nothing can ever separate me from Him.

Every moment I spend reading my Bible and praying each day strengthens my confidence and my solid awareness that I NEED Him to do absolutely everything for me. In a lot of ways, I was arrogant as a teenager. I felt insecure and unloved but I felt WORTHY of love - how arrogant! I am NOT worthy but I am loved ANYWAY and… WOW I’m speechless now!

Can you relate?