Unbalanced

MS is so weird! I experience some level of dizziness on a constant basis. Some days are worse than others but it’s always there. As a result, my brain is always working to keep me on balance and upright. It’s a daily struggle and it is fatiguing.

I went to bed early last night, slept well and didn’t wake up until my alarm went off at 6am. I got a solid 9 hours of sleep and I woke up feeling dizzy, nauseous and like my legs were made of rubber. But sometimes I will stay up past midnight, knowing my alarm is going to go off at 6am, and I will wake up feeling really good - less dizzy, more ready to take on the day.

The randomness of my symptoms is unsettling. I can never predict how I am going to feel on a given day.

Today was one of the days I took my medication that helps with focus and energy because today was my shopping day. But this medication does nothing to help my legs when they are feeling like 100lb bags full of rubber cement.

My left leg was particularly uncooperative today and I had more than just grocery shopping to do. My son is turning 14 in a couple of weeks and I needed to get his birthday gifts. This meant a trip to the Mall where the Lego store is located. So, after a trip to Fred Meyer and then to Costco, I drove to the Mall and parked where I thought I would be near the Lego store. Once inside the Mall I realized I had guessed wrong and I was even further from the store than I was when I went there at Christmas time last year. I had my cane with me but that didn’t prevent my left foot from tripping me up several times on my way to the Lego store.

Whenever my daughter is with me and there’s a lot of walking - and especially if I trip even once - she says “Don’t fall!” Her voice was running through my head both to and from the Lego store today. I kept thinking “Don’t fall, don’t fall, don’t fall…”. Once I had my mind focused on walking safely, I stopped tripping and successfully accomplished my mission. Thankfully, tripping doesn’t always lead to falling. As embarrassing as tripping on a smooth surface in front of strangers can be, falling flat on my face would have been worse.

I pushed through all my errands and got home with just enough time to put the groceries away and hide the birthday gifts before I had to leave again to pick my son up from school.

My body and brain were done. My poor kids got home from school and had to do their chores while I sat in my chair and rested. They, of course, didn’t see all I had accomplished today. Thankfully, I have amazing children who believe me when I tell them I had a busy day and am tired and who don’t argue about doing their chores. I may have to remind them to stay on task but it’s not a battle to get them to do their chores.

I know that it is really difficult (especially for my husband) to understand why I am so tired some days when I haven’t been doing much. Some days I just lack energy from the moment I wake up and no amount of medication or caffeine can help me. But there is no rhyme or reason to it and it’s impossible to plan around my fatigue.

Truth be told, I rarely feel up to doing much of anything.

But I have an amazing God who carries me through each day and gives me just enough oomph to accomplish whatever I need to get done that day. And if I run out of steam before my list is done, that means God didn’t think those items were necessary that day. And He is always right.

I need to get myself off to bed now. Because MS is weird and I’m feeling tottery, off balance and oh so tired!

Good night friends!💤