My first post!

 I am very excited to be blogging finally.  I will start with a short one because it’s really late on a Friday night and I am tired.

I have to say though that I wanted to write about my journey as a Christian wife and mother with multiple sclerosis (MS).  It has been such a joyfully challenging time in my life and I want to share my perspective on it all.

By the time I was finally diagnosed in 2014, I already knew there was something seriously wrong.  My husband was upset with me and thought I was changing in retaliation for some of his angry outbursts over the years.  He took a lot of guilt on his shoulders and yet he thought I had control over things like not being able to have meaningful discussions after 9pm or struggling to plan meals for the week.  An MS diagnosis was a welcome explanation for all my weird symptoms and it was honestly a relief to finally have an answer.  It was time to start treating my disease and get on with my life, right?  Well… yes, to an extent.  But what that looks like now is very different from what I thought it would.

I thought my diagnosis would explain all my difficulties and take the burden of responsibility off my husband and the pressure to get back to my old self off of me.  Wrong.  It increased both.  Now my husband is taking on more than he should and is doubling down on the pressure he puts on me to make the changes he deems necessary for the survival of our marriage.

You would think I would be super stressed out or even bitter.  But one of the blessings of MS in my life is that I don’t feel emotions the way I once did.  I believe it’s a gift from the Lord to protect me from pain.  From the deep pain I know I would have felt when my Dad passed away in 2017, when my Grandma passed away in 2019, when my cousin passed away in 2019, when numerous close friends passed away between 2019 and 2022.  And the pain of a very difficult marriage.

I was talking with my 14 year old daughter today.  I told her that her Dad thinks my MS is getting worse but that I used to hate picking raspberries in our yard because it was hard for me - very fatiguing and physically difficult but the past couple of years I have found it much easier and more enjoyable - so much so that it’s now one of my favorite things to do.  So, I told her I thought I was actually improving in some areas.  And she agreed but then she said this:  “I think you are just appreciating the small things and simple moments more now.”  Such an insightful girl.  She is right!  I savor every moment of every day.  I seek joy in everything and do my best to create it when it can’t be found.  I have come to realize that I can do nothing apart from God.  He provides all the strength, energy and motivation for every undertaking in my life.  I am slowly losing feeling everywhere in my body and even emotionally.  But I am gaining in my understanding if the deep love and mercy the Lord shows me every second of every day.  

Without MS, I don’t know whether I would have slowed down enough to hear the voice of the Lord whispering in my ear or to feel His arms wrapped around me keeping me safe.  I am deeply grateful for my MS diagnosis.  The Lord is so merciful!