Sensory Overload

There were several signs in the months leading up to my MS diagnosis that something was wrong.

The December before my diagnosis we were at the mall doing Christmas shopping.   My husband was shopping for my gifts and I had the kids (my daughter was 4 and my son was 2) and I was supposed to be shopping for my husband, his sister, his Mom, my sister and my parents.  But as I stood in the middle of the mall with the Christmas music playing, my son in a stroller, my daughter full of energy and excitement about all the decorations and with people everywhere racing around trying to get their shopping done, my brain shut down and I couldn't figure out where to begin shopping.   So I just waited there for my husband to return and I didn't accomplish a single thing on my list.  I was overwhelmed!

My husband is a talker.  He always has been.  I was a talker too (still am in the right situation) and we were a good match.  But in the months leading up to my diagnosis I found myself feeling overwhelmed by all the words - especially at night.  I was just too fatigued to follow the thread of conversation.   And I couldn't formulate words fast enough to participate in discussion.   It was frustrating and very difficult for my husband who viewed it as a relationship issue that could be solved by talking it out (which only made matters worse).

There were other symptoms but the sensory overload I continue to experience and the mental fatigue that has only worsened with time are probably the  biggest challenges we face as a family.  The one who suffers most with what I have lost cognitively is my husband. 

I remember clearly the day I was diagnosed with MS.  I remember feeling relief in finally having answers to why I couldn't carry on any significant conversations after about 9pm.  I thought that would ease my husband's mind and cause him to adjust his expectations.  It has been a much longer adjustment period for him though.   

For me, I recognize and accept my limitations.   I try to plan for my mind or body - or both - to shut down when they  can't handle the load anymore and need a break.  And I lean heavily on the strength of the Lord.  I made a commitment a few years ago that I would say "yes" to every service opportunity the Lord led me to and trust Him for the strength and energy to accomplish His will.  He has never let me down and never sends me out to serve in ways that are too difficult for me.

I believe the Lord allowed MS into my life to draw me closer to Him by making me constantly aware of my weakness and desperate need.  My husband cannot see MS as a blessing, however, because he feels as though he is daily losing a piece of me and he is mourning the loss.  

Regardless of God's reasons for allowing me to develop MS and regardless of my or my husband's response to my illness, I have a disability that can't be cured and it presents challenges in inconsistent and often inconvenient ways.

Yesterday was tough on me.  I take a medication for fatigue but I don't take it every day for various reasons and yesterday was a day that I was NOT on my anti-fatigue medication.   I broke my daughter's coffee cup in the morning (felt horrible and took her to get a replacement after school), finally put the remaining Christmas decorations away (which involves getting boxes out of storage, packing decorations up and then climbing around storage again, rearranging boxes and getting everything put away for another year) and there was just constant noise inside and outside our house (neighbors are getting a new roof).  I struggled for awhile to keep my eyes open but I finally had to take a nap because I was so fatigued.

Today has-been much better, I did some grocery shopping,  volunteered at my son's school, got fuel in the car, went to my favorite thrift store, etc.   I just never know how a day is going to go so it's hard to plan.

But I know for a fact that whenever the Lord asks me to do something. I WILL have the strength, energy and cognitive wherewithal to accomplish it every time.