Today was a rough day. And I can't even write about the majority of the things that made my day so difficult which makes it even more difficult because I just process things better when I write about them. That's one of the things I've come to realize about my specific MS challenges- I don't think as quickly as I used to and I just process information more slowly. I have trouble organizing my thoughts so I put them in writing where I can take time, read, re-read, collect and edit thoughts and pray about how best to handle various situations.
Today was not a physically demanding day but here I am at the end of it completely exhausted. Thankfully, it's Friday night and we have cleaned up from dinner and there are no lunches to pack. Except for picking the kids up from youth group later, I am done with my activities for the day.
The thing about this chronic illness business is that even trying to process emotionally charged conversations, complex topics or following multiple subject changes takes a LOT of mental effort. I used to have no trouble at all listening, following, processing and participating in these types of conversations. It's something most people do without any difficulty at all so it's really odd to find someone who gets so tired trying to be involved in these conversations that they need a nap afterward! And yes, this happened to me today and no, it was not appreciated by the person trying to have a long, serious and multi-faceted conversation with me.
Probably because I am so tired, I was evaluating my day and just my week in general and while last night I was feeling so great about how I had spent my week up to that point, tonight I am feeling defeated. I am feeling overwhelmed by my emotional responsibilities and incapable of meeting the needs of those closest to me. I admit that I am an utter failure as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I truly am. I feel pushed and pulled and wrung out and shaken up - twisted, turned upside down and rolled out flat. I feel hard pressed, perplexed, persecuted, stuck down!
And I am not afraid to admit that I am weak sometimes- a lot of the time actually. Okay, ALL THE TIME! It's in these moments when I tune out the noise all around me and go somewhere quiet with the Lord. I pour out my heart and just lay bare all of my sins, shortcomings and failures. And without fail, my Savior picks me up off my face, dusts me off and tells me that He knows I stumbled and that I failed but He encourages me to keep trying. He reminds me that He suffered a lot worse than I do on my worst MS days and He overcame. Then He wraps His strong arms around me in a hug that I can feel when I close my eyes. After that, He takes my hand and reminds me that He is stronger that my trials and that He is always with me, providing strength and doing all the really heavy lifting. He tells me He loves me and peace just rolls over me like a 7 foot ocean wave.
This is what He means when He says to "Be Still and KNOW that I AM God!" He means, get away to a quiet place where it's just Him and me. To let Him reveal His love for me in ways I can't feel or understand when there are so many distractions clamoring for my attention. In this stillness, I can hear His still small voice and I am refreshed. MS has no power in His presence. In these moments with my Lord, I am healed for a brief time.
And on evenings like this I walk back into the chaos of my life with the knowledge that, with God, I will never be crushed, in despair, forsaken or destroyed. And I feel deeply loved.
You are NOT a failure as a mother, wife, daughter, friend, person. I enjoyed your term the other day about "fabricated" by the illness/disease. I thought at the time how that could be applied across the board--oh, not a fabrication, perhaps as much as disease representation in the instance of other diseases. Some may think I'm trying to excuse bc of disease. No. But what I am saying is: others may blame--you may even blame yourself-- for effects of disease. Sometimes we and others do not see the disease for what it is. Some things are the disease, not you.
ReplyDeleteYou have helped me understand MS more than anyone else. Thank you.
P. S. I was reminded by a line in a letter from In Touch that Christ is our adequacy. We aren't adquate.