Wrestling

On Monday night, I should have been in bed but I wanted to finish up my blog post and I knew there would be no time on Tuesday to do it. So, after saying goodnight to my kids, I went downstairs to finish writing. My 13 year old son kept getting up and coming downstairs to check on me. I thought he was trying to be sneaky and get me to go to bed so he could get his chrome book and have it in his room at night. I was suspicious because it was unusual for him to keep coming downstairs to hug me. He said it was because he missed me but I knew there was more to his sudden clinginess. I finished up and went upstairs with my son and got him back into bed where I continued to quiz him about his odd behavior that evening. He had no real answers but before I left his room he said he hoped I wouldn’t ever die. I told him I would die some day but we could pray that it wouldn’t happen soon and then he said he hoped I would never abandon him. My son was wrestling with fear of abandonment. I assured him I would NEVER abandon him and told him I loved him and would see him in the morning.

Once in bed I fell asleep quickly. And I dreamed that I was at my parents’ house and there was a tapping at the front door. I was afraid there was something scary on the other side of the door but the tapping persisted so I slowly opened the door and standing there was my Dad, smiling and motioning with his index finger for me to come outside. I followed him outside - I was no longer afraid because my Dad was there. Then he pointed to a very large and beautiful Azalea bush outside the front door (where there have been Azaleas for as long as I can remember) and he said “This plant was really struggling, but then I loved and nurtured it.” And then I suddenly woke up! I felt there was going to be a lesson my Dad was going to teach me but for some reason I found myself awake and disappointed by a disrupted dream about my Dad who passed away in 2017.

I tried to go back to sleep but there was a deep darkness that I could feel. I suddenly realized that something was preventing me from getting some much-needed rest so I wouldn’t have the energy to have coffee with and be a testimony to my unsaved friend and former boss the next morning. I knew that’s what was happening because all these thoughts about her kept flooding my mind - crazy thoughts like maybe she would be so opposed to Christ that she might become unhinged and might even kill me in my own home. Absolutely ridiculous thoughts fueled by the fears my son had expressed earlier. I was praying silently that the Lord would fill me and our home so full of His love that this demonic presence would flee but nothing changed other than my determination and resolve not to succumb to fear. Then I realized that the spiritual realm can plant thoughts but cannot read my thoughts. If I wanted my prayers to be heard by spirits (other than Jesus who is the ONLY one who actually CAN hear our thoughts), I needed to pray out loud! So I did. I prayed that the Lord would put a bubble of protection around me and our family. I quoted scripture after scripture about God’s power, love and protection and about how perfect love casts out fear. I proclaimed the name of Jesus and banished those thoughts and associated fears and told anyone or anything that could hear me that I would NOT be bullied into silence. And I immediately felt calm, comforted, protected and safe. I felt that cold, dark, oppressive presence leave and I fell back asleep, cradled in the hand of Jesus.

I wrestled with spiritual darkness and Jesus won the battle for me!

I have been evaluating these events and I believe they are connected. I think my son sensed that I was about to be under attack and potentially in danger and he was concerned about me - he wanted to protect me. I told him the next day that if that happens again he should pray - I have noticed that God seems to speak directly to my son’s heart sometimes and it shows in some of the things he says or does. It’s a gift he doesn’t fully recognize or understand but I hope to help him develop that gift into a powerful resource for God to use.

And God gave me the energy to have a lovely visit with my friend and we are planning to get together again very soon. Praying for her salvation and not letting anything prevent me from continuing to be a testimony for Jesus Christ!

I felt emptied of all my strength and energy after all of that which followed a very challenging few days. I took a nap yesterday because, after all of these experiences, my husband came home at about 10pm from a trip and I stayed up with him while he got out of his uniform and un-wound from and shared his own stressful experiences while eating a snack and watching a little TV before finally heading to bed. So the next day I was tired and empty and needed rest. I was ALMOST asleep when the neighbors behind us started up their weed whacker. So I just laid in bed praying. I got up feeling much better even though I hadn’t gotten any sleep. I have discovered that I don’t need to sleep to get rest when I am resting in the arms of Jesus.

My conclusion is that I must be doing something right if I am worthy of being attacked spiritually. I am a nobody in the Lord’s army - just a lowly foot soldier or the guy holding the flag. But the enemy doesn’t attack ineffective soldiers cowering behind trees. So I will continue to boldly march (or limp 😉) with the Lord into battle - to win souls.