I had a check-up with my family doctor on Monday. It pretty much went as expected. She’s not an MS expert but she is very thorough and really understands medicine very well. I have been impressed with her over the years. She asked a lot of questions and I was open and honest about my lack of motivation when it comes to getting exercise (because I’m so tired and everything I do physically makes it worse). She told me that a lot of my worsening symptoms can be attributed to being peri-menopausal and it’s not likely to improve anytime soon. There is only 1 thing I can really do to improve my stamina, alleviate stiffness in my muscles, lose weight and strengthen my muscles and that is to get regular exercise. At this point she isn’t suggesting I try to do anything more than getting a walk in for an hour once a week or so and to do some planks or chair exercises while sitting to help strengthen my core muscles. I do not want to fall and be too weak to get myself up off the floor so I know I HAVE to get more activity and strengthen my muscles (especially in my legs). It is harder now though. I got a pneumonia vaccine (my arm still hurts) and had blood drawn for labs (results are in and everything looks good) and then headed home.
When I got home from my appointment I did some squats and some stretching and then that evening I took the kids to the mall where we met my sister and did some early Christmas shopping (I am trying VERY hard to get my Christmas shopping done early this year to avoid being overwhelmed by all the activities of the holidays). We walked all over the mall for 3 hours! I was SOOO tired by the time we got home but I still had to pack lunches! I was relieved to finally flop into bed!
I woke up the next morning more tired than usual. It was my grocery shopping day. My arm was sore and my legs were uncoordinated, weak and kinda sore. My mouth felt dry AND I could tell it had lost some feeling. I wondered how I would physically make it through the day.
I started praying before I even got out of bed (as is my habit these days) and then started getting ready for the day. I had 6 stops planned after dropping my son off at school (some Christmas related). I was on my feet and shopping until I finally sat down at home at 2pm after having put everything away and gotten a cup of tea. I had 30 minutes to rest before I had to go back to the school to pick my son up.
I came up with the title to this blog as I was driving from one store to another this morning. I was really feeling run down (possibly worsened by the vaccine I had yesterday) and I just had to take my mind off of my list and focus on God. I said “Father, I can’t do this! I am so weak and so tired. But You always provide me with the strength I need and You always carry me through tough days like this. Please pick me up and carry me - help me safely get through this day and finish what I started. In Jesus’ name, Amen.” Then I started thinking about the fact that I really CAN’T do anything without God.
I was listening to the Christian radio station for upbeat music to help energize me and one song I heard was about needing a little help sometimes and that the singer needed to remember what he’s made of. I immediately thought - “DIRT - we’re made of dirt and I don’t just need a little help sometimes! I need A LOT of help ALL the time!” I need ALL the help because I can do NOTHING apart from God.
We try to encourage each other by saying things like “you got this!” Or we try to hype ourselves up by telling ourselves we “can do this!” But we need to stop feeding our pride in this way because, in reality, we CAN’T “do this” and we DON’T “got this.”
God does though and THANK GOODNESS! I am so glad I don’t have to rely on my own strength to get through each day - because I am not a strong person. However, I have an all powerful God and He has never failed to give me the strength I need.
I have gotten more than my 1 hour of walking in this week and my legs aren’t letting me forget it! Getting older and weaker physically is hard - but honestly, MS is the best thing that could have happened to me because it made me acknowledge my weakness as a human being and it highlighted just how much God is doing every moment to sustain me. He always has - I can look back and see that now. Now I am aware, on a moment by moment basis, of His presence, His care, His protection, His provision, His love, His wisdom, His strong arm guiding me. As much as I would love for there to be a cure for MS that reverses the damage to my brain and cerebral spine, I would never choose to erase these past 11 years. I am so grateful for MS in my life because it has drawn me closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ.
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