Facing Fear

When our son was 3 1/2 years old, he jumped into a crowded public pool when my back was turned for a second.   He didn't know how to swim but he was confident as he had been watching his older sister's swimming lessons.  The lifeguard didn't see him floating face down in the water but when I turned around,  I did!  I jumped into the pool and saved him.  He started screaming and crying and wanted OUT of that pool immediately!  I knew he had to get back into the pool to conquer his fear and the lifeguards offered him a life vest.  He agreed to get back in with me holding him AND he wore the life vest.  But, while he enjoys the water and loves to wade around in swimming pools, he has never again put his face under water.  He is terrified of drowning.  We tried 3 years of swimming lessons but he has not able to get beyond that fear.

I have been thinking a lot about that incident lately as we have been discussing the idea of baptism with our son.  He knows what it is and why it's important but he is just too afraid to dip his face in the water.  It's something we are working on with him.  

I started thinking about how like his Mom he is in some ways.  How many times have I confidently run into a situation only to find myself in over my head and needing to be saved?  Countless!  I hope I am getting better at recognizing danger before I jump now but I am really trying to evaluate whether I have permanent scars from some of those past experiences.  Did I learn the lessons I was supposed to or do I irrationally avoid those situations because of an ancient memory of hurt?  Do I face uncertainty with anxiety and fear or do I put my life vest on, hold my Savior's hand and trust Him to keep me safe?

Jesus Paid it ALL! Do I Appreciate that Enough?

Have you read the book of Philemon recently?  On Sunday morning at our Breaking of Bread service at church,  one of the men stood up and compared Philemon to God the Father, Paul to Jesus Christ and Onesimus to himself.  Philemon was a believer who had a slave named Onesimus.  Onesimus ran away and somehow found himself with the Apostle Paul, getting saved and helping with Paul's ministry.   Paul sent Onesimus back to Philemon with a letter asking Philemon to receive Onesimus back - as a brother in Christ,  not as a slave, and told him that if Onesimus had wronged Philemon in any way,  to charge it to Paul's account and he would pay Philemon back.

This man stood up at the Breaking of Bread service and said that Philemon is a picture of God the Father and Paul is a picture of Jesus Christ.   Onesimus is a picture of us.  He said Jesus, talking to the Father in heaven, says that if I (Darla) have wronged the Father in any way, lay the blame on Him - Jesus paid for it.  

The man standing was going to speak more on the subject but was overcome with emotion so he sat down.   But I have been thinking about what he said since Sunday and I have further thoughts.  We were slaves to sin, as Onesimus was a slave.  Jesus asks God to freely accept us as his children,  not as slaves, because we are loved by Him and our sins were charged to Jesus' account.  Jesus paid our debts and we are freed the moment we accept Him as our Savior!

I was reminded of a movie I saw once that had a scene about a boy who had become a king very young.  Because he was a child, he needed discipline but because he was a king, there was a peasant boy who would be punished in his place while he watched.  It really modified the boy-king's behavior when he realized an innocent child would be punished for HIS misbehavior. 

It's not a perfect example because Jesus carried our sins and paid for them ONCE and that price never has to be paid again.   But does that modify my behavior?  Do I remember that the Holy Spirit can be grieved by my sinful behaviors?  Do I take my salvation for granted now or do I work even harder at my Christian walk?  

Well, today I feel like I did my best.  I wore my "testimony shirt" and I fasted today to focus my prayers.  I did my grocery shopping,  volunteered at my son's school and then visited my thrift store friend to check on her and we had a lovely chat - I told her about Philemon and what our brother said on Sunday morning.   I told her there are a number of people praying for her and that I am praying that God will give generously to her.  She has been reading Revelation and it has bern scaring her.  This afternoon after school, I took the kids bowling with a friend of my son's from school and his mother - nice people but not saved.   They are on my prayer list and I am so thankful to have been given the opportunity to be a light to them and I am praying for more of those opportunities. 

I was a little concerned about how I would handle a day of fasting with my fatigue issues, dizziness, etc but the Lord was so gracious to me and I felt great all day!  It's time for me to go to bed now and I am so thankful for the strength God provides to meet each moment.   When He lays something on my heart, He ALWAYS provides the strength to accomplish His will for each day.

I pray you will experience the same comfort that I have in the knowledge that I am loved and supported by an all-powerful God!

Power in Humility

‭‭II Corinthians‬ ‭10:3‭-‬4‬ For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds,

Last week I was praying that the Lord would work in the life of someone close to me when I stopped and realized that it's not my place to point out the faults of others to God and ask Him to fix them.  I need to focus my attention on what I need to do to be the woman God wants me to be regardless of how the people around me are living.  I've adjusted my prayer life to only ask God to protect those around me and to show me how to be His servant in every circumstance.   I pray He will show me how to love, comfort,  help, obey, serve others, pray... in His way - not mine.  And I leave the work He is doing in the lives of others to His wisdom and in His capable hands.

And as a seemingly unrelated theme but not really, there has been troubling, open demonic activity recently in someone one of our children knows and it is something the school is struggling to understand and deal with.  I was reminded of the story in the Bible of the demon that the disciples couldn't cast out -  only Jesus could.  He said that the reason was that kind could only be cast out through prayer and fasting which was obviously something that was His habit - and should be ours too.  Do we regularly fast and pray for our our spouses, children, schools,  churches,  leaders, etc?  Probably not.  I am convicted by this.  Going without food is hard - but if it's to focus our prayers and make them more effective,  we should be willing to commit to fasting for a day and devoting that day to earnest prayer.  Whether obvious or not, demonic activity is going on all around us all the time.  It's important to keep our minds constantly alert and occupied with the Lord.   He is the one who equips us for spiritual battle and we need to take that very seriously. 

We have gotten into this culture of doubting accounts of personal experiences with angels or demons.  We don't see it ourselves so we don't believe it when others DO.  I think the reason we don't see the battle is that we are often ineffective for the Lord - living comfortable lives and avoiding anything that gives the appearance of taking a stand against sin in the world around us out of fear.  We don't pose a threat to the enemy so the enemy doesn't waste resources on us - we're doing a pretty effective job of being ineffective for the Kingdom of God.

I am not advocating for force-feeding our Christian beliefs on our neighbors, co-workers, unbelieving family members, etc. but we shouldn't AVOID spiritual conversations either.  We should express our thoughts and give scriptural opinions where there is a conflict with our faith.  We should not be afraid to respectfully and lovingly take a stand for truth.  We should not be ashamed of Jesus or the gospel message!  ‭‭II Timothy‬ ‭2:15‬ ‭- Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. 

Here's where humility plays an important role.  If we are prideful,  arrogant or selfish, we aren't going to attract anyone to Jesus and no one will want to hear what we have to say.  There's a saying I have often quoted:  "No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care."  There is so much power in humbling ourselves in the sight of God snd others.  It's like a faith magnet - drawing people to a loving God.  Because when we empty ourselves of pride, it's like cleaning the dirty windows and letting Jesus love shine through us to others.  And THAT'S beautiful and attracts people to us to learn more about the light they see in us.

I finally decided to buy some shirts with verses on them to wear out in public.   I have felt for a long time that the Lord wanted me to take that leap and be a more visible testimony but I was a little afraid to.  Once again though, the Spirit nagged at my heart and wouldn't let the idea fade from the forefront of my mind.  I felt Him reminding me of my commitment to do whatever He asked of me and I was feeling very guilty for not having taken action.   I mean, how hard is it to put a shirt on?  I have Amazon gift cards that have accumulated since last Christmas so I finally decided to buy four "testimony" shirts (as I called them) and I have been excited (not fearful) ever since.  The first one arrived today!  It is pictured above.   It's so fitting that the first one to arrive combines my MS fight with the spiritual fight.  I can't WAIT to wear it grocery shopping and at my son's school!

Love, Love, Love!

We don't love like we should.   We make snap judgments about people that color the way we view them and change the way we treat them.  

In general, I don't think we treat people badly even if we don't hold them in high regard but we hold back and reserve our best treatment for those we deem more "worthy."  But is that what Jesus would do?  

Hmmmm.  I think we all know the answer to that.

Jesus had choice words for false teachers and those who were spiritual leaders and knew the truth but were leading people astray.   But He showed love and compassion for people in all walks of life - rich, poor, prostitutes, the demon-possessed, tax collectors, even a criminal dying beside Him on a cross.  

What does your heart do when you see someone begging for money by the side of the road?  I admit my thoughts have, at times, been not very loving towards them.  I used to buy extra food at lunch to give the beggars outside a downtown restaurant or give my left-overs to a beggar on my way back to my car.   But once someone turned their nose up on my left-over food and threw it away.  I was young and thought I was helping the hungry without giving them cash that could be spent on drugs or alcohol but not every begger is hungry or looking for food.  Some are.  Some have legitimate needs.  Others are too lazy to work and still others have ruined themselves through addiction and are looking for money to feed those addictions and are unable to work because of their illicit habits.   I never give money because I don't want to enable an addict and I can't control how they will use the money.   My mother-in-law and my brother-in-law have taken people in need to the grocery store and bought them a cart full of food to feed their families.  I admire them for being so generous and loving. 

People have various needs and it's easy to ignore them and walk away because we really don't know how honest they are being about what they may or may not truly need.  But in ALL cases people need Jesus.  So now, I try to stop and smile - greet them with kindness.  I still don't give them money but I DO say a prayer in my heart for their salvation and if I have a gospel tract with me I give them that instead of money- because eternal life is more valuable than all the money in the world!

What about the people closest to me?  I have family members (outside my immediate family) who are very difficult to love.  One in particular has ruined his life and lost everything (marriage,  home, job, kids) because of his addictions to drugs, alcohol, infidelity, you name it.  Once, after having almost no contact with him for years, out-of-the-blue he sent me a message asking if my Dad was dead yet.  At the time, my Dad was living in a memory care facility and I had to swallow pretty hard to show love toward this family member.   And I tried to reach him for Christ but all he wanted to do was argue and debate.   He enjoyed the role of antagonist and would do his best to be devil's advocate on every issue and constantly try to shock and offend me.  I am not offended easily but he was creating so much discord in my life that I had to cut off communication and love him from a distance.   But I DO love him and pray for him.  He knows the truth - I am praying he will come to accept it as his own.

Do I view my neighbor who is politically on the opposite end of the spectrum from me with love and compassion and in need of a Savior?  Yes.

Do I treat the cashier at the grocery store with the same love and respect I would if we were in a church setting?  Yes.

It's important to examine the motives of my heart.  I am Christ's representative and that is a huge responsibility!  I also wield tremendous power - I have the ear of God and, through prayer, I can bring all His power and might to bear.  That's something I don't take lightly.   Through prayer I can really have a positive impact - I have seen it!  It's real!  And it's available to all believers in Jesus Christ.   And using His power to love some of the unlovely around us is something we all have a choice to avail ourselves of.  Do I always WANT to love those who are hard to love?  No.  But I choose to because it's what Jesus would do - what He has called all of us to do.  How can I refuse Him after all He went through to make sure heaven was available to ME, a miserable sinner?

And let's face it, we are ALL difficult to love sometimes.   I have MS and am going through menopause - believe me, I'm hard to love at times.  But we all need to be able to have difficult seasons without fear that we won't be loved because of those hard times.

It's far from easy to love without partiality, but we have an all powerful God who is available to help us - He's just a whisper away- so close He can hear our thoughts.  We don't even have to ask audibly- we just need to ask in our hearts and the Holy Spirit immediately translates our thoughts into God's action.  It's amazing!

Gift of Giving

What would you do if you were independently wealthy and had full control over the way your money was used?

This is something I have given a lot of thought to because I see how much need there is all around me and I don't have the financial resources to meet most of those needs, nor do I have full control over the purse strings.

And, humanly speaking, I could use some help sometimes too (I think we all could when our lives get chaotic)!  I think I would probably start by hiring someone to help periodically with the housework and I would probably pay people to maintain the outside of our home also to help my husband.  I would make sure money was put away for our childrens' education with some to help them get a start in life while they are getting on their feet and established in a career. 

But my true desire is to help as many other people as I can.   My Dad was a giver - time, gifts, money, physical help, etc.  And I want to be to others what my Dad was to so many!  It's a gift to be able to give of your resources to people who need what you have to give.  

I have a family that needs me so I give most of my time to them but I give time to others when I can find it to give.

I like to bake so whenever I do, I share with my neighbors.

I take gospel tracts with me when I go grocery shopping and leave them on various shelves to hopefully give someone hope and a future. 

I give out smiles and hugs wherever I see they are needed.

We give to missionaries around the world but if I had the financial resources to, I would also give substantially to anyone the Lord laid on my heart.

I might start with my sister who was laid off from her job of 26 years and has struggled to find new employment.   She is in the process of selling her condo and has moved in to our childhood home with our Mom.  She is on unemployment for now but that won't last forever.   If I could, I would give her enough money to help her through a few months of bills or I would open an interest bearing account in her name and put money in to it for her to use as she had needs.

I would help my friend at the thrift store who has a deficit of $600 a month because of the reduction of her hours at work and is in danger of losing her home.

I have a long list of people with genuine financial needs that I would meet in a heartbeat if I had the resources. 

The most important thing I give though is prayer.  I spend a LOT of time praying for the needs of my friends and family and for our neighbors, our leaders and for the people impacted by disasters - natural or otherwise.  I pray for the salvation of souls - in our neighborhood and around the world.  Prayer is my vast resource.  Because I know the One who has unlimited resources and who is a miracle worker and the source of all things!  

It's nice to think about what I would do if I suddenly came in to millions of dollars of extra cash to do with what I want.  But I don't need money to help people - money only goes so far and then it's gone.  God has the tools and resources to provide for all our needs forever.  His help never runs out!  So the most valuable gift I can give is prayer.  

And prayer is the most valuable gift you can give too.  If you have money, be generous with it because God gave you that money so you could use it to help people for His glory.  If you don't have the financial resources,  look for other ways you can give - love, time, food, a listening ear, and most importantly,  prayer.

My Happy Place!

One of my favorite things to do is to go thrifting - not just to any old thrift store.  There is a thrift store near our house that is a non-profit, Christian charity-based thrift store.  We donate there often but I go inside every week and check out what they have that's new.  I call it my "happy place" because it's a place I like to go to just take my time, wander around and I find some really neat things there for not much money.   But the reason I keep going back, aside from convenience of location and a worthy cause, is that I have befriended many of the people who work there.  Most are retired and are supplementing their income with this job because they don't make enough in their retirement to be able to survive in this expensive area.  They are just lovely people and I enjoy spending time chatting with them each week.  They know my story and they love my kids and it's like getting together with good friends when I am there - and I don't have to make an appointment.   They are a weekly blessing to me!

Today I went to my favorite thrift store and chatted with one of the women who has worked there for 10+ years.  I asked how she was doing and she said "Not very good."  Her hours had been cut so she was down to working only 3 days a week which has a huge impact on her income and she is selling things that belonged to her mother because she needs the money.  She said she might lose her home.  The store has been mismanaged and she said they might have to close.   

I am grieved to hear that my friend is in such a difficult place.  I am sad that my happy place might have to close.  And I am concerned about the negative impact the closure of this store would have on the employees and on the community.  

This afternoon I was thinking about how great it would be if the Lord provided random people to slip some cash in an envelope and go to the thrift store to leave it for her to sustain her until she can figure out a more permanent solution and to encourage her in her faith.  I am not going to give any further details or information in this blog but would you pray with me that the Lord would intervene and save my friend from an uncertain future?  Ultimately,  her future is in heaven with our Lord but I pray she doesn't find herself without a home.

Sensory Overload

There were several signs in the months leading up to my MS diagnosis that something was wrong.

The December before my diagnosis we were at the mall doing Christmas shopping.   My husband was shopping for my gifts and I had the kids (my daughter was 4 and my son was 2) and I was supposed to be shopping for my husband, his sister, his Mom, my sister and my parents.  But as I stood in the middle of the mall with the Christmas music playing, my son in a stroller, my daughter full of energy and excitement about all the decorations and with people everywhere racing around trying to get their shopping done, my brain shut down and I couldn't figure out where to begin shopping.   So I just waited there for my husband to return and I didn't accomplish a single thing on my list.  I was overwhelmed!

My husband is a talker.  He always has been.  I was a talker too (still am in the right situation) and we were a good match.  But in the months leading up to my diagnosis I found myself feeling overwhelmed by all the words - especially at night.  I was just too fatigued to follow the thread of conversation.   And I couldn't formulate words fast enough to participate in discussion.   It was frustrating and very difficult for my husband who viewed it as a relationship issue that could be solved by talking it out (which only made matters worse).

There were other symptoms but the sensory overload I continue to experience and the mental fatigue that has only worsened with time are probably the  biggest challenges we face as a family.  The one who suffers most with what I have lost cognitively is my husband. 

I remember clearly the day I was diagnosed with MS.  I remember feeling relief in finally having answers to why I couldn't carry on any significant conversations after about 9pm.  I thought that would ease my husband's mind and cause him to adjust his expectations.  It has been a much longer adjustment period for him though.   

For me, I recognize and accept my limitations.   I try to plan for my mind or body - or both - to shut down when they  can't handle the load anymore and need a break.  And I lean heavily on the strength of the Lord.  I made a commitment a few years ago that I would say "yes" to every service opportunity the Lord led me to and trust Him for the strength and energy to accomplish His will.  He has never let me down and never sends me out to serve in ways that are too difficult for me.

I believe the Lord allowed MS into my life to draw me closer to Him by making me constantly aware of my weakness and desperate need.  My husband cannot see MS as a blessing, however, because he feels as though he is daily losing a piece of me and he is mourning the loss.  

Regardless of God's reasons for allowing me to develop MS and regardless of my or my husband's response to my illness, I have a disability that can't be cured and it presents challenges in inconsistent and often inconvenient ways.

Yesterday was tough on me.  I take a medication for fatigue but I don't take it every day for various reasons and yesterday was a day that I was NOT on my anti-fatigue medication.   I broke my daughter's coffee cup in the morning (felt horrible and took her to get a replacement after school), finally put the remaining Christmas decorations away (which involves getting boxes out of storage, packing decorations up and then climbing around storage again, rearranging boxes and getting everything put away for another year) and there was just constant noise inside and outside our house (neighbors are getting a new roof).  I struggled for awhile to keep my eyes open but I finally had to take a nap because I was so fatigued.

Today has-been much better, I did some grocery shopping,  volunteered at my son's school, got fuel in the car, went to my favorite thrift store, etc.   I just never know how a day is going to go so it's hard to plan.

But I know for a fact that whenever the Lord asks me to do something. I WILL have the strength, energy and cognitive wherewithal to accomplish it every time.