Preserving Memories

I have been a writer for as long as I can remember. I got my first diary when I was 7 years old. What is so great about having saved so many of my old journals is that now I have the benefit of looking back and reading about things I went through, seeing what was important enough to me to write about that I had long since forgotten and being able to now clearly see the hand of God working in my life from a young age.

I still have the keys to my first diaries but I fully admit there’s nothing really secret about what I chose to write about when I was 7. 😂. My spelling was horrible too! My first attempts at keeping a diary essentially only recorded the things I did each day but not how I felt about what happened. And that could also be because in my very first entry I mention that my Mom wanted to have one of the keys to my diary.😉

I didn’t fill up all the pages in this diary. I was kind of surprised to see that I had written a verse (Philippians 2:14) in the opening pages of my diary that had been in my Sunday School lesson. But that was the only verse in that diary. The most important things to me at age 7 were my stuffed animals. I created a “Stuffed Animal Club” and every time there was a new “member” added, I wrote the name in my diary.

I got a new diary for Christmas when I was 10. Apparently I had started noticing boys at this point because my first entry is about a boy in my class. I wrote “I love him because he is nice, very entertaining and likes to talk about old times.”😂 This particular boy is still someone I keep in contact with. We went to school together from preschool through 12th grade and were in choir together. We had a history already by the time we were 10 years old.

My handwriting and spelling had gotten much better - the writing at the beginning of THIS diary was in cursive. The ink is purple which was my favorite color back then. I remember that pen - I loved it, it had grape-scented ink too! 😁

5 months after my first entry in this diary my love interest had changed. I decided the first boy was too much of a “show off” so I moved on to someone new. A year later there was yet another boy who I don’t even remember! He apparently used to buy me things and was really sweet. Who WAS that guy? I have zero memory of him and I even wrote his full name in my diary! 🤷🏻‍♀️

By the time I was 12 I had stopped writing in cursive but was still writing with that purple pen.😁. I recorded some family dispute and was feeling like I was being treated unfairly.

It’s interesting to me that I baked a cake just a couple of weeks before my 12th birthday. I don’t remember baking cakes at random but apparently I did! And now I am kind of amazed by how similar my daughter is to me in that regard. She went through a phase where she just wanted to bake cakes at random for people and it started right around that age!

The last entry in this diary that I didn’t even come close to filling was about yet another boy that I decided was cute and I “sort of” liked. Oh dear me… was I really THAT boy crazy?😣

I started another diary when I was 14. I had a flare for the dramatic and my entries in THIS diary are hilarious to me now although I know I took them more seriously back then.

Big surprise, my first entry after this opening page is about “my first love in 9th grade” who was someone completely different from my previous infatuations. In my mind I could see myself marrying this boy. But there was another girl competing for his attention. Reading through my thoughts on this matter I see that I asked God for 3 signs that this boy would ever ask me on a date but received not a single one of the signs I asked for and was devastated when the boy chose the other girl over me.

Apparently I still held out hope that he would ditch his new girlfriend for me because I wrote him letters that he apparently answered and he even called me a time or two. It’s funny to read about these things that happened that I have NO recollection of! I mean, I remember really liking this guy but I don’t remember any phone calls or letters being exchanged.

And just like that, I moved on to the boy next door - literally. He was 2 years older than me but I had suddenly noticed him and decided he could make a good boyfriend. Sheesh!

Thankfully, not every entry is about boys. I apparently started feeling convicted about not being involved in Christian service. I also talked about how much I loved thunder storms and power outages - more things that my daughter and I have in common! And then, there’s this phrase that I feel has been a constant struggle for me: “I have too many problems, too much work and too little time.” I was 14 - I had NO IDEA what real problems were or how much work was going to burden me as an adult. It felt crushing to me at 14 though.

I think we are given these small trials to build up our strength as we age. It’s spiritual strength training. Little by little burdens are added onto our shoulders but we build spiritual muscle by relying on the Lord through each trial along the way.

I laughed when I read this next entry but upon further reflection I realize that I was looking for purpose. I wanted to be somebody special, to be loved and noticed.

In the wake of my Grandpa’s death, my Grandma used to come over to our side of the mountains (she lived in Eastern Washington about 3 hours away from us) and spend time at our house. She even went on a vacation to California with us. But she was not an easy person to be around. She was a Christian but she didn’t live a joyful life. I learned a lot from growing up around her about how NOT to be. I learned early about how harmful careless words and gossip can be.

Apparently I met another guy while our family was helping my Grandma prepare to sell her house and move. I have no memory of meeting this guy who was a neighbor of my Grandmother. But, as I pointed out in my diary, I wasn’t allowed to date until age 16 and I was still only 15 years old.

On the very next page I had a new infatuation with a boy who was a senior in high school while I was only a sophomore. I pointed out in my diary that there was a 6 year age difference between my parents so was justifying a relationship with a guy only 2 years older than me. The truth is though that in high school there's a bigger difference in maturity level than there is once you have reached adulthood. I was babysitting a lot and here’s another similarity between my daughter and I - we both love kids and especially babies.😊. At 15 I was babysitting for a family with a 2 year old boy and a 4 month old girl.

In the very next entry which is actually a few months later (I wasn’t a consistent writer yet), I had decided that all the previous guys I had mentioned liking were “slime” and I liked someone new. And 2 pages later I was back to liking a guy I liked in 5th grade who left our school after that year but suddenly started attending my church! I will say this, THAT guy did end up going on to become a missionary and he and his wife currently serve the Lord as missionaries in Sweden. So this guy was most definitely NOT “slime”. 😉

Back then we had to wait until age 15 1/2 to get a drivers’ permit and start a drivers’ed program. Of course I got my permit as soon as I could and got done with drivers’ ed almost 3 months before my 16th birthday. Guess what my daughter did? Yup, she got her permit and enrolled in drivers’ ed as soon as she was able and completed her course, driving hours and testing a few months before her 16th birthday!

I really WAS busy and there was a lot of drama. I wasn’t sleeping well either. I think sometimes as adults we look at teenagers and compare their lives with ours and criticize them for being stressed out and thinking they have such difficult lives. But we forget what it was like for us to experience everything for the first time. School gets progressively harder, we go through puberty and have all these strong emotions we never experienced at that level before, we start developing interests outside of the 4 walls of our family homes, we meet people our parents don’t know, we have decisions set before us we don’t have the life experience yet to understand and we aren’t yet equipped with the tools necessary to make wise choices. We were guessing our way through our teens and learning hard lessons that ultimately made us stronger as adults but as teens we struggled! Things really ARE hard for kids who are learning how to prioritize their time and organize their ever-increasing responsibilities. That is why they have parents to be their safety nets - to help provide a safe environment to make mistakes, fail and gain the experience necessary to grow up and become independent.

I actually filled this diary all the way up. I read all the way through it and found my younger self making poor choices and continuing to throw my heart at any guy who smiled and showed an interest in me. At the end of the diary I finally got asked out on a date and I ended up in a relationship with my first boyfriend at age 16 1/2. This guy was a Christian from a good family. He was a genuinely nice guy and I am glad I had my first dating experience with him because I had been so unwise in my choices as a teen. I liked guys who were not Christians and, even though I said in my diary that I wouldn’t date them and I knew what the Bible taught about being unequally yolked in marriage with an unbeliever, I know now that I was being led by my feelings and I would have dated them unless my parents stepped in to prevent me from making that mistake. I see in my diary how often my Dad stepped in to save me from myself and my unwise choices. I didn’t think my parents understood me but with the benefit of hindsight I can see that they understood things about me that even I didn’t understand.

I have looked through countless pages of journal entries and I must admit that not much changed in the years following my junior year in high school. My first boyfriend and I broke up less than 6 months after our relationship started and I continued to jump from infatuation to infatuation but, unrestrained by a dating restriction, I was free to date anyone who asked - and I DID do a lot of dating. I had a lot of crushes that didn’t go anywhere too and there were a number of guys who wanted to date me that I turned down due to lack of interest on my part.

But there are a number of journal entries that show that I was going through very real emotional struggles and suffering from spiritual attacks. There are entries like this one - this is the last page of a 3-page journal entry from December 14, 1991. I was 19 years old:

I made many, many unwise choices in almost every area of my life. And it’s kind of scary to look back and see how quickly I went from that 14 year old girl who was excited about life and looking for a way to stand up and be counted to this 19 year old young woman who was afraid of everything and could hardly motivate herself to get out of bed.

But what is really fascinating to me now as I look back on all my written accounts of the circumstances of my life, how I felt and what I was thinking, is the number of times I went back to the Lord to confess and to ask for help. This is such a great reminder of how quickly our feelings can change when our circumstances change. How easy it is to lay our burdens down one moment and pick them right back up the next. I was the same person at 19 that I was at 14 but my circumstances were very different and I let my feelings control the way I responded to those changes. At 14 I was still in school, still under my parents’ authority. My needs were provided for and I had very few concerns outside of relationship drama whether it be with family, friends or boys. I had my stressful days when I felt overwhelmed by my limited responsibilities but on the whole I was living confidently and enthusiastically. At 19, I had spent only 1 year in college and decided to leave because I lacked focus and felt I was wasting my time and my parents’ money on college when I still had no idea what I wanted a degree in. I decided to start looking for work to support myself but the economy was in a recession and jobs were hard to come by - especially for someone with no experience and no college degree. I was feeling very low about myself and Satan used it to drag me even lower. He tried to take me out of the game because He knew God wanted to use my story to encourage others and to bring glory to His name by testifying to His amazing love!

At 20 years old I was still threatening harm to anyone reading my personal journals. Don’t worry, I wont tell if you read these.😉

And yet, just a few months after this I wrote the following that shows real growth and maturity that I don’t remember having at age 20. I think this kind of honest reflection and clarity came and went throughout my early 20’s.

I also found poems I wrote sprinkled in with the journal entries too! Not great poems but they are heartfelt and you can see where my mind was. Poems like this one from June 4, 1996:

Savor every drawn-in breath

As each one sustains life

And keeps you from the jaws of death

Like armor against the knife.

Devour every moment awake

Tasting every pleasant thought

For momentary thoughts are the food

That life has always sought.

Bathe in every joyous heartbeat

For, as with breath, heartbeats are few

And life, with each beating of the heart,

Brings experiences incredible, astounding and new.

Thank you for taking a trip down memory lane and bearing with me as I took a peek into my history as narrated by my younger self. It has been revealing and fascinating. I learned a lot and I have enjoyed every minute. I really cringed at all the hours I wasted agonizing over my love life and who my future husband would be. I almost didn’t share that here but that wouldn’t be honest and God can use even that ridiculousness in my life to help someone.

Obviously I still write! I do more than just blog posts though. I have a daily thankfulness journal and I fill a page per day with things I’m thankful for, I have a journal I write verses in that touch me and speak to me as I am doing my devotions and studying my Bible each morning and I still maintain a sporadic personal journal when circumstances start to overwhelm me and I need to organize and clarify my thoughts. I can’t help myself - it’s a habit I developed at a young age that helps me see where I’ve been so I can evaluate how far I’ve come and determine how much further I still need to go.

How are you doing?

I really want to know - how are you doing? This week has been really emotional for me personally but also for our family and for a large portion of our country. We need to be looking out for each other so I am reaching out to you - how ARE you? Be honest.🙂

At the beginning of this week there was news of a young immigrant woman from Ukraine being stabbed to death on a train in her way home from work in an unprovoked attack. Absolutely senseless and sad and I saw her terrified face looking up at her attacker and I couldn’t bring myself to watch the video. The image stuck with me - I cried. That could happen to anyone at any time and it’s frightening. I calmed my heart by remembering that God has my life in His hands and He has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. I had open discussions with my children about the evil in this world and hugged them a little tighter. I prayed a little harder for their safety and for them to continue developing a closeness with the Lord which will lead them to use discernment and will protect their hearts and minds as they are bombarded by images and stories that are horrific and heart rending.

Wednesday morning I spent a chunk of time reading the blog of a woman I had never met. She was the sister of a friend who graciously passed a link to the blog on to me. This incredible woman chronicled her life and experiences as she fought late-stage cancer. Knowing the end of her story before reading about her journey is heartbreaking. I cried multiple times reading through her posts. I finally had to take a break and rejoice that she is no longer suffering here on earth but is pain-free and enjoying a wonderful life in heaven with Jesus who, as she wrote, climbed into bed with her and comforted her every night.

I stopped reading the blog and turned the TV on for a little mental break and, as I was flipping channels, I saw the shocking breaking news that Charlie Kirk had been shot doing what he did best - opening himself up for challenge and debate. He died from his injuries and I was in shock. Turns out he was killed because someone disagreed with his views but apparently didn’t have the courage to come to the microphone to have a discussion about it. Hate is an ugly thing. Again, I watched too much of the coverage and had to turn the TV off and just pray for comfort for everyone connected to him and especially for his wife and very young children. I thank the Lord that Charlie Kirk, an outspoken Christian and advocate for Christ, is in heaven - with my Dad, with my husband’s parents, with a variety of dear friends and family members who have passed into eternity, with the blogger I mentioned above, and most importantly, with his (and my) Savior- Jesus Christ.

Our family has had many discussions this week - allowing us and our children to express our thoughts and feelings surrounding this tragic week. My daughter and I were the most familiar with who Charlie Kirk was and what he stood for. But as my husband and son watched and read more about him and his life, they came to feel as strongly about his death as we did. He was out there living out his faith boldly and his example should be followed. His death should not silence our testimony out of fear. My son boldly went to school the next day and talked about it even though he faced criticism from people who were happy about the shooting. My husband had open and honest discussions with his first officer as events were unfolding that day and was able to make a difference in his world view.

Thursday was 9/11. My husband was on a trip and had to fly that day. He is an airline pilot who was supposed to fly on 9/11/01. He was on his way to the airport when the first plane hit the World Trade Center and our lives changed forever. A day we will never forget. 24 years later it remains a somber day of remembrance. Our son watched a video in his history class this week of an interview with a first responder that day who not only lost his entire family, but had the heartbreak of having saved 12 people from the burning buildings only to find out that every person he saved was killed when the buildings collapsed.

Friday morning I woke up and my husband reported the news that the man who killed Charlie Kirk had been arrested and I prayed for his salvation. I prayed for the salvation of every person who celebrated the death of a human being whose only crime was being a vocal advocate for Christ and for the free exchange of ideas in the form of public debate. And Friday evening, our family watched Charlie Kirk’s distraught but emboldened widow speak to a nation in shock.

I had to tune out the noise. I had to run to God - the source for all peace and comfort. The first devotional I read Friday morning was one put out by In Touch Ministries. It was titled “Unrighteousness Anger” and it was on-point and timely during this tumultuous time in history. I am pasting a link here so you can read it for yourself when you have the time:

https://www.intouch.org/read/daily-devotions/unrighteous-anger-2

The verse above and those following were also verses that peppered my reading Friday morning:

So, it was an emotional week. I don’t think it is an accident that our church is studying the gospel of John or that our sermon just this past Sunday was on John chapter 17 which emphasizes the deep, deep love the Father has for us as believers as well as for the unsaved people in this world.

And yesterday, I experienced what I hope is going to be repeated over and over again throughout this country. A man on a bike tapped on my car window as I sat in my car getting ready to head home. I cracked my window open and he asked me if I believed in God! I very enthusiastically said “yes!” and we had a brief talk. He said that if I had said “no” he was going to give me a little booklet that presented the gospel and showed it to me. He told me his name and I told him mine. He was saved in 2004 and is originally from Zimbabwe. I said “Praise the Lord!” and he rode away. This kind of thing happens to me from time to time and it is such an encouragement! It is God’s reminder that He is still here, His Spirit is still alive and working, and His love is as strong as it ever was.

I am sure your week held its’ own challenges. If you want to post an anonymous comment, I WILL pray for you. Or, if you know me, you can send me a text or email. We must be open to the needs around us and we must intercede for each other in prayer so we will be strengthened as we endeavor to represent Christ in this hurting world.

So, how are you doing? Are you okay?

Can You Relate?

When I was young, I suffered from chronic migraines. We didn’t realize what was going on until I was well in to high school when I finally went to see a neurologist because my headaches were getting so bad and so frequent. I was diagnosed with migraines but I had other types of headaches as well. I had tension headaches, headaches from eye strain, headaches when I was low blood sugar… I carried a pharmacy of pain medication with me everywhere I went. A different type of medication for each type of headache.

My migraines increased in frequency as I got older. I wasn’t sleeping and in college I missed several classes because of my headaches. One evening I missed a group project meeting and then class the next day because I had a bad migraine. One girl in my group was really angry and very unsympathetic. She felt I should have been able to push through the pain and nausea to participate in our group project. She bad-mouthed me in class the next day while I was absent. But a week or two later, I got a phone call from the angry girl from my group. She had a migraine. She was suffering and didn’t have any medicine because she hadn’t had a migraine in several years - thought she had “outgrown” them and didn’t remember how bad they were. She apologized to me for being insensitive and asked if I would be willing give her some of my migraine medication to help alleviate her symptoms. Of course I went straight to her dorm room to deliver the medicine for which she was exceedingly grateful. I wouldn’t wish a migraine on my worst enemy and some of you can relate! Some of my friends get some form of headache almost daily. I have been there.

My migraines started to come less frequently as I got older but still I was getting them at least once a month for years. I used all my sick days on migraine recovery.

Ultimately, for me, apparently my migraines were caused by my unique hormone balance which was disrupted by my first pregnancy and now I rarely experience migraines- maybe once or twice a year - just often enough to remind me of what it was like to be in that kind of chronic pain. If you have never had a migraine, count your blessings! The thing that is unique to migraines is that you generally get some kind of warning that it’s coming on. For me it starts with a blurring of one area of my vision- not overly obvious but it just looks like a piece of the picture I’m seeing is missing. Then, this tiny flashing light appears in one eye and it grows until my vision is almost completely blocked by these flashing lights which get bigger and bigger until they finally vanish from my field of view. It takes about half an hour for that eye sign to run its’ course and a half hour after that is when the pain begins. The key to pain reduction is getting medication down the hatch as soon as an eye sign develops. If you wait too long, your stomach freezes and is no longer capable of absorbing and distributing medication into your bloodstream. That’s where the nausea kicks in- once nausea begins, it’s too late for medication. Unlike a more run-of-the-mill headache, the pain and nausea are so intense (as are your sensitivity to light and sound) that you cannot function normally. Anything you might do to try to distract yourself from the pain only makes it worse and delays recovery. So, if you see someone at church or trying to function at work and they confide in you that they have a migraine- understand that they are suffering and making a Herculean effort to be there. Keep your voice down around them and give their brains some grace - they are not thinking clearly - it hurts too much.

I am thankful I do not suffer with this kind of pain anymore. But I will never forget what it was like to live with chronic pain. I would honestly rather have MS than chronic migraines- they are THAT debilitating. So, if you are suffering with headaches and migraines, I feel for you! I’ve been there.

My teen years and early twenties were challenging. Growing up I was never really great at anything. I liked school but I was an average student and I struggled through the awkward phases of puberty.

I loved singing but wasn’t good enough to get into the audition choir like I had hoped. I was a social person but didn’t really fit in with my peers at school or church so my closest friends were in my neighborhood or in the grade below me in school. I liked and played volleyball but wasn’t good enough to get onto the varsity team. My high school experience was a series of disappointments.

I was not naturally the person I am today. I was lonely, depressed, disappointed with life and in myself. My parents didn’t know how to help me and I felt unseen, unloved.

Add migraines to the mix and serious insomnia and I was exhausted, in pain and miserable.

I started having nightmares at a really young age. Scary (to me) nightmares about being chased by dinosaurs and a recurring nightmare about a wolf that was trying to eat me. I was probably 5 or 6 when my nightmares started. By high school my nightmares had become truly terrifying. Nightmares about being chased and stabbed or shot in the stomach. And then there were a series of nightmares where a shadow stalked me, whispering threats to me and showing me horrific scenes, trying to convince me I was killing people in my sleep. I prayed, slept with the light on, wrote verses I taped up all over the wall by my bed. But if I fell asleep, there would be another nightmare waiting for me.

I didn’t talk to my parents about any of it. I didn’t talk to ANYONE about it.

At the same time I was struggling with body image issues. My diet was awful. I ate a Snickers bar and washed it down with a Coke every day for lunch during my Senior year. I started excusing myself to go to the restroom after meals and forced myself to vomit. I developed an eating disorder called Bulimia. I popped laxatives like they were candy - by the handful.

I was a mess and I didn’t think anyone cared. I contemplated suicide several times.

So, if you have felt or are ever feeling lonely, inadequate, ugly, unloved, disappointed; have or ever had insomnia, relentless nightmares, an eating disorder or considered suicide - I can relate because I have been there.

I was rescued by God.

Not immediately, but little by little. Writing was my sanity. I have been a writer my whole life and my journaling kicked into high gear in high school. I needed an outlet and a way to process my thoughts and emotions. I began to realize that I was being selfish and was seeking attention from the world. I started reading my Bible and REALLY studying it. After college and when I had my first apartment (a studio apartment) where I lived alone, I would unplug my phone and sit in the middle of the floor and spend hours reading and studying my Bible.

I began to realize that people are never going to fulfill my needs because people are flawed. The only thing people can really be counted on to do consistently is to disappoint us.

The ONLY source of lasting peace, unconditional love and perfect security is God.

I started to recognize that I had a purpose and that God had a specific plan for me that Satan was trying to disrupt. I made a verbal declaration that I would fight the spiritual battles and would NOT let Satan win.

My nightmares went away. The Lord gave me the power to overcome my insecurities and I gained confidence in Him that cannot be shaken.

I am living a victorious life for Christ! Satan might have sent MS my way to test my confidence in Christ or maybe to make me question His goodness and love. But it did exactly the opposite because I fought hard battles in my youth and I learned hard lessons- but I REALLY learned them and I KNOW I am deeply loved by my Savior Jesus Christ and nothing can ever separate me from Him.

Every moment I spend reading my Bible and praying each day strengthens my confidence and my solid awareness that I NEED Him to do absolutely everything for me. In a lot of ways, I was arrogant as a teenager. I felt insecure and unloved but I felt WORTHY of love - how arrogant! I am NOT worthy but I am loved ANYWAY and… WOW I’m speechless now!

Can you relate?