How can I be still?

Last weekend was a whirlwind of activity in our household and this weekend is not much different. It is really hard to have a still moment that isn’t flooded with thoughts of what is next on our family agenda on weekends (or weeks) like this!

One of the most difficult adjustments for me with regard to the way MS has impacted my life and brain is the extreme difficulty I have prioritizing and organizing. This used to be an area where I excelled and I REALLY enjoyed juggling a schedule full of deadlines and activities. Now, I get easily overwhelmed and fatigued just thinking about trying to maintain a schedule of 3 or 4 activities.

Keeping this in mind, let me tell you about my recent shenanigans 😉:

Our daughter went to her school’s Homecoming football game where her choir sang the National Anthem and then stayed to cheer their team on. The weather was wet and she got soaked from head to toe. She got home at a little after 9:30pm and went straight upstairs to change clothes and get warmed up and into bed. This was not chaotic for me since she drove herself. I had a peaceful evening at home watching TV with my husband and getting our son settled in bed before she rolled in at about 9:45pm.

The next day (Saturday) was Homecoming. One set of Homecoming traditions our daughter and her friends have is to meet at a friend’s house and spend the morning getting dressed and doing their hair and make-up together. This getting ready party is followed by an afternoon outdoor photo shoot and then they head to the main Homecoming celebration. After Homecoming is over, they gather at a different friend’s house for another party where they change into more comfortable clothes, relax, play games and eat snacks.

Because there is so much driving and so many people needing rides, I was on deck to take our daughter and a group of her friends from the getting ready party to the picture taking and then to Homecoming. In addition, the Mom who is a professional photographer who had taken the Homecoming pictures the previous two years was unavailable this year so it was up to me to take pictures.

Knowing that it was supposed to be raining the whole day, I suggested a different venue for pictures - one with a gazebo and large trees overhanging a bridge, etc. We have friends who live on a small farm near our house who offered up their home and property for this picture taking extravaganza. This would allow for all the individual and smaller group photos of just the smaller group of girls to spend time posing and getting pictures taken in relative shelter AND it served the purpose of preserving my sanity as the photographer. I was present last year when my daughter’s group of 17 friends (boys and girls) spent a couple of hours at a park that had no real shelter from the cold. And last year it wasn’t raining or windy. There was a lot of walking around on uneven ground though and I was still taking pictures even though I knew there would be professional pictures. There were pictures of my daughter with her friends that she wanted and one photographer can’t do it all. So, I had to juggle a cane and a camera (my phone) and hold my daughter’s coat, etc. It was exhausting. This year it poured all night Friday and all day Saturday except for a 2 or 3 hour window during all the picture taking! Thank you, Lord! But the ground was muddy, the wind was blowing and the group gathering at the same park as last year was now 30+ kids. There was one Dad (who is a professional sports photographer) lined up to take group photos and his son was in the group so this photo shoot wasn’t cancelled. We just added an extra photo shoot on private property with a group of 9 girls.

Thankfully, my daughter is a really good advocate for me with her friends and, even though there was some friends of hers upset that she was trying to change some of the plans, she persisted and ultimately got everyone on board with adding this new (and smaller) photo shoot to their schedule. It was fun and beautiful and so much less strain and pressure on me. I felt at peace and relaxed, knowing that I would not be responsible for taking the larger group photos and my daughter and her friends would still have all their fun, more individualized and unique pictures.

After all the photos were taken in both locations, I drove my daughter and a few friends to Homecoming and then picked up dinner for the rest of our family on my way back home. After Homecoming, I picked my daughter up to take her to a friend’s house for a fun night of games, food and hilarity which I picked her up from at 11:30pm.

Just to add a little spice to our already very busy day, at about 9:30, as soon as I got parked into our garage (after dropping our daughter off at the after Homecoming hangout), our power went out. It remained out until 3:30pm on Sunday.

So, it was a cold, dark night in our house Saturday night. Early Sunday morning my husband got up and got our portable generator fired up and strung extension cords throughout the lower level of our house to power our refrigerator, garage freezer, fireplace blower, a few lights, etc. It was a lot of work for him and he had to stay home from church to monitor the generator. But we didn’t have to throw out any food and we were able to keep warm.

This week was quite busy as well. It was the last week of the quarter for the kids in school and our son came down with a cold. Tuesday he stayed home which was also the day my husband had his annual physical scheduled with his doctor. I normally do my grocery shopping on Tuesdays but had to postpone it and do the shopping on Wednesday. Thankfully, our son’s cold was minor and he was able to go to school the rest of the week.

After the power outage, my husband said it was getting too difficult for him to do all the physical work of getting our generator hooked up and running around the house unplugging things and plugging them into extension cords, etc. He has been talking for years about installing and wiring up a generator transfer switch box that we could plug our generator into that would power all the essential things in the house without having to run extension cords everywhere. This week he decided to bite the bullet and get it done. He worked on that project for 2 days this week and has completed and tested it and we are ready should our power fail again in the future. I am so thankful to have a husband with a skill-set that includes household wiring! This is supposed to be another wet and windy weekend so we will see what happens.

Thursday afternoon I carved our Costco pumpkin with our son who chose a spider as his inspiration for our pumpkin this year.

Our daughter had a costume party to go to Thursday night. I drove her to the costume party because of limited parking availability and we didn’t want her walking to the truck (yes, she is driving my old S-10 pickup) late at night on a road that is not well lit. I picked her up at 10pm.

She drove to school Friday morning but had a half day because of the end of first quarter so came home for lunch and to drop off her backpack and pick up her luggage for the retreat. After lunch I drove her and her luggage back to school where she and her fellow choristers met and then left together at 2pm for their weekend retreat.

I will interject a fun fact - our daughter dressed up as the mouse in the cute “If you Give a Mouse a Cookie” story for her costume party and Friday (October 31), as she rode the ferry to the choir retreat, she wore a cow costume and handed out candy.🤣

Friday afternoon I picked up my son (who was already wearing his medieval knight costume because it was the last day of spirit week at his school) and brought him home.

I then dashed out to pick up an early dinner for 3 and then left to take our son to his friend’s house because he had been invited to join their family for trick-or-treating. Again, the weather was supposed to be windy and rainy so I did not tag along on this adventure. The Lord answered (in the affirmative) my prayers for a let-up in the rain showers while he was out walking the streets begging for candy from strangers. 😉

When I got home I lit the candle in our pumpkin and turned on our porch lights in case any little neighborhood cuties decided to stop by - but no one knocked on our door before I had to leave to pick our son up (at 8pm).

He had completely filled his bucket with candy (which I spent Saturday morning going through to make sure it was safe for him to consume). I took him from there to a local church where there was a fun (and covered) Halloween party for neighborhood kids that he wanted to check out. It was supposed to go until 10pm but since the majority of the kids that attended the event had come earlier, they were in the process of closing up and packing everything away. It was no longer raining, the worship team was still singing and there was a fire burning for warmth so we stayed for a bit, my son got more candy and we left at about 8:45. Having gotten home earlier than planned, we decided to get into our pajamas, pop some popcorn and watch a movie (Migration) before going to bed.

Saturday has been quiet. We have no big plans and so far the power hasn’t gone out. But if it does, getting our generator going and hooked in to our essentials will be much easier now after all the work my husband has done over the last couple of days!

I am tired but I am thankful to still be able to be so involved in the activities of our children.

And I am thankful to have survived October, our busiest month of the year, without getting sick and without a single fall!

Today I am wearing my sweatshirt with Psalm 46:10 written on it - “Be still and know that I Am God…”. As busy as the past 8 or 9 days has been, I have still prioritized time with the Lord each morning- being still and settling down my mind to focus on what HE wants me to think about.

And, yes, I have also taken time to be with my husband - I went with him to his doctor appointment (check-up) on Tuesday and we went out for coffee and a scone afterward. I also helped in the garage whenever he needed some assistance and I went around the house helping test the new generator switch set-up. I watched several documentaries with him this week too. Juggling the duties of being a wife and mother is touchy sometimes and, as I said at the start of this, I don’t juggle very well anymore. Organization and prioritization are difficult for me. I am often in the middle of a tug-of-war between my husband and our children- everyone competing for my attention. I admit I don’t always handle that very well because I get easily overwhelmed and sometimes I can’t pay attention to ANYONE and have to just take a nap!

Homecoming Court

It’s homecoming season for schools everywhere. My daughter’s school has their homecoming this Saturday and her friends are all abuzz with preparations for the Friday night homecoming game and the homecoming celebration on Saturday night.

One topic of conversation these past couple of weeks has been about the homecoming court nominees and who she feels is deserving of her vote. She attends a Christian school and feels strongly that the winners should be people of good character who consistently show school spirit but who also exhibit good spiritual qualities like humility, selflessness and kindness. She told me that she did not vote for anyone who she saw going around ASKING for votes because those nominees weren’t exhibiting the humble spirit she values.

I am impressed that she chooses to make even these smaller, less significant life decisions based on her knowledge of scripture. She is looking at the content of the character shown by others and does not look at their outward appearance. She voted for homecoming court nominees based on what she has witnessed of their character since since the beginning of the school year - or in some cases from previous years of knowing them.

This morning I was reminded of the story in Mark chapter 10 where two of Jesus’ disciples asked to have seats on the right and left of Jesus in His heavenly kingdom and all the disciples at one point had been discussing amongst themselves who was going to be the greatest in God’s kingdom. Jesus shuts down their prideful debate and tells them that “…whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant.” Mark 10:43. He later ends up washing the feet of the disciples as an example of humility and service we should all model.

“but to sit on My right hand and on My left is not Mine to give, but it is for those for whom it is prepared.” Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant. And whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”” Mark‬ ‭10‬:‭40‬, ‭43‬-‭45

And, not believing in coincidences, I should not have been surprised that this portion of Mark was one of the portions listed in one of my through-the-Bible reading plans this morning. But I WAS a little surprised. It is always so amazing to me that God frequently confirms that my thoughts were planted by Him by reinforcing those thoughts during my morning Bible study. Sometimes the only thing I can say about this is WOW!

When we get to heaven it will be the ultimate Homecoming celebration. We will get new bodies, new clothes and there will be singing and dancing. The King will be crowned and the royal court will be honored for their service and devotion. And everyone will be celebrating- happy just to be there, in the presence of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.😊

Resting Places (MRI?!)

I have never been claustrophobic. In fact, I am more likely to seek out small spaces where I can be alone.

It’s probably my Mom’s fault.😉. My parents had a walk-in closet in their master bedroom that had its’ own heater on the wall. When I was young, my Mom often closed herself into that closet with the heat on and read her Bible when she couldn’t find a quiet place elsewhere in the house.

We were not allowed to go hide out in their closet but I had a trundle bed when I was young. A trundle bed is a bed with another bed that is on a frame that can be raised up or collapsed down with wheels that allow it to be stored under the main bed. Whenever I had a friend sleep over or when my sister and I had a sleepover party, the trundle bed would be rolled out and raised for my guest. But sometimes I used to like to pull the trundle bed out and sleep in the floor under my bed. It felt safe under there - in a small space that had walls on 2 sides, a trundle bed blocking a third side and just a narrow opening at the foot. When I was scared, that’s where I often went to hide.

When I moved into my own studio apartment, I had a walk-in closet. My bed was a futon that served as a couch by day. There were nights I could not get comfortable and the big room that served as living room, family room, dining room and bedroom felt lonely and kinda scary. It was my first time truly living alone. So sometimes I would take my comforter and pillow into the walk-in closet and sleep on the floor in there with the door closed. I felt safe and slept soundly.

I moved around from apartment to apartment a lot in my twenties. I upgraded from a studio apartment to a one bedroom apartment and the futon became a full time couch. My parents gave me their old full sized bed and still, there were nights I just couldn’t get comfortable in bed so I would pack up my pillow and comforter and head to my walk-in closet and sleep on the floor.

I think you can see a pattern developing. When I have needed to find comfort and/or rest I have sought out small spaces.

Even after I was first married and we moved in to our first home with a walk-in closet I would sometimes sleep on the floor in the closet when my husband was out of town.

Having MS now I don’t generally have trouble getting to sleep and it’s much less comfortable for me to sleep on the floor these days - because I’m old.😉 Plus, I get too cold on the floor. But I still like small spaces…

…enter my annual MRI! A small but noisy space. It’s not dark OR warm but my favorite MRI technician (whom I request every time) piles warm blankets on me; places a cushion under my head, a pillow under my knees, and gives me ear plugs and headphones before sliding me into this tube that is a very comforting small space.

I recognize that I am unique in this area. I look forward to my annual MRI with excitement and I am genuinely disappointed when it’s over. My MRI technician pampers me and I feel like I am at a relaxing spa!

And the noises made during the MRI can be pretty entertaining actually if you have an active and vivid imagination like I do. I have been trying to come up with good words to make an MRI rap song with all the knocks, bangs and buzzes and various MRI sounds but haven’t been able to yet. Sometimes my brain pictures cartoon characters dancing or Woody Woodpecker knocking on the side of the tube. I find myself laughing a little at the images my brain conjures up while I’m in there. Sometimes I am feeling a little extra fatigued and have actually managed to doze off a time or two.

I am thankful my growing up years helped prepare me for annual MRIs. I know there are people who are terrified of small spaces and MRI machines can cause those people severe anxiety. God knew what my current situation would be so He prepared me while I was young for the things I face now that I’m older.

If God was this involved in this one minor detail in my life, imagine what He has been doing along the way to prepare me for all the major things happening now or that WILL be happening in the future!

It is so important to look back and reflect on even the minor details to see that God is involved in ways that prepare us for the major issues of life - so we realize how truly trustworthy His wisdom is and how His knowledge of our future gives Him the perspective we lack when making decisions today.

That is why I find small spaces even more comforting and restful today - because small spaces aren’t crowded and are often quiet places where I can be alone with God and truly hear Him directing my steps.

The most restful thing I do in that MRI machine is pray - for wisdom, for my family and friends, for my MRI technician and his family and for anything else the Lord brings to mind.

My car is also small space where I can control the noise when I am alone and can pray.

And I still have a walk-in closet when I really need it.😁

I don’t believe in coincidences

There are days when I feel like I am getting a clear message from God. Monday was one of those days.

My first devotional reading that morning was the daily devotional from In Touch Ministries and the below verse from Psalm 105 was part of the scripture reading.

I also read the daily Our Daily Bread devotional because my husband reads that one and I want to be on the same page with him for at least a part of each morning.🙂. In the reading Monday morning we were in I Chronicles and I read the SAME WORDS!

Two very different devotionals in two very different books of the Bible brought out the exact same message to me! I don’t believe in coincidences.

I believe there is a reason God wanted me to remember to look for Him and His strength in everything. It’s so easy to get distracted and to stop thinking about the Lord and all He does to sustain me.

Our lives are just so busy! October is an especially busy month for us with 2 birthdays in our immediate family and all the October performances and events our daughter is involved in with her Choir (fundraising performances, singing the National Anthem at the Homecoming football game, choir retreat) as well as Homecoming itself and a variety of other friend hangouts, etc. And I still have to get the grocery shopping and meal planning done, among other household duties.

But my priority must always be serving the Lord in any way He directs. And I can only know which direction to look if I am staying connected to Him through reading my Bible each day and through constant prayer. I don’t multi-task very well anymore. But God has still given me the ability to pray while I’m doing almost everything. I have a constant dialogue with the Lord going in my head.

I find that this habit protects me from negative thoughts, helps me stay patient in frustrating circumstances, keeps my feelings in check, keeps my tongue in check, gives me a calm assurance and strength I know only come from God. I feel a power and confidence when I have my mind occupied with prayer. Do you know what I mean? It feels to me like I can almost see the Shield of Faith out in front of me as I go into the grocery store, shoving danger out of my way. I can almost hear the swords of the Spirit wielded by His angels doing battle all around me so I can safely go about my day.

If that makes me weird, so be it!

I am not ashamed of my faith. I have gotten too far in this life, experienced God’s very obvious provision and protection too many times and witnessed the power of the name of Jesus too often to worry about what other people think about my faith.

Yesterday I wore a red hoodie as I did my grocery shopping. It was something that was suggested by the Turning Point USA people in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s death. It would have been his 32nd birthday and he was a very outspoken witness for Jesus Christ (among other things). My husband was concerned that in our liberal area I would be making myself a target by wearing it. I believe the verses the day before were planted by God to give me strength and to encourage me not to be afraid of my testimony as I did my shopping. And also to remind me where by strength and protection comes from!

Today is Wednesday and I obviously survived my shopping trip without becoming a victim of violence. And as long as God has a purpose for me on this earth, He will continue to protect me from physical danger.

There are no guarantees though. Plenty of Christians are physically harmed and killed for their faith every day in this world. I suppose I could be one of them some day. But I’m confident in the Lord’s strength regardless of my circumstances and am therefore unafraid of what lies ahead and unashamed of Jesus Christ whose Holy Spirit lives within me.

Have you found what you’re looking for?

I look for God everywhere I go. And I see Him everywhere I go!

I know people who dread going out in public because they expect to see rudeness and experience frustration everywhere people gather. And I have noticed that those people DO see a lot of rudeness and encounter a surprising number of frustrating experiences. My theory is that you generally find what you are looking for.

This morning I went to a coffee shop to meet a friend but I was early. I got my drink and scoped out a couple of comfy chairs for my friend and I to sit in and proceeded to just sit and wait - catching up on emails and texts as I waited.

Behind me was a man who had been sitting alone when I got there. He was drinking his coffee and just people watching. He wasn’t reading, on his phone, working on a laptop or iPad, just quietly sitting.

I am always looking for an opportunity to talk to someone God sends my way who might need some encouragement or a friendly smile. So, of course God made the man behind me turn his chair around and smile at me so I could meet him.

I found out that he is 77 years old. His wife was at home - she doesn’t get up until 9am and then she likes to be alone in the mornings so he hangs out at the coffee shop all morning. He recently started a hobby called “wire wrapping”. His work is beautiful! In talking with him I could tell he was searching for peace. He kept saying he had a lot of struggles and he finds wire wrapping peaceful and rewarding. And yet his eyes were sad and he lit up when I showed an interest in seeing pictures of his wire wrapping artwork.

The Holy Spirit kept prompting me to talk to him about Jesus - so after about 15 or 20 minutes I finally asked him if he ever thought about what might happen after he dies. He said “all the time.” I then asked him if he was a Christian or if he had ever heard about Jesus. He has friends who are Christians but he himself is not. He said he is “spiritual but not religious.” I told him that I wasn’t talking about religion but a relationship with Jesus. He said one of his friends had told him the same thing. I told him that I wanted to talk to him about Jesus because I really want to see him in heaven. He seemed to really be touched and said it was a very nice question. I told him that Jesus could give him peace and he said that was what he’s looking for. I told him that Jesus is the only way to experience true peace and that if he dies without Him, life after death will not be peaceful. I told him I would pray for him and asked what one struggle of his was that I could pray about. He said he has a growth (benign) in his lung that he is trying to find a less invasive surgical procedure to remove. He also has Valley Fever which is fungus in the lungs. He really needs Jesus! He teared up as he talked about his health struggles.

Before he left, he gave me a wire wrapped buffalo tooth on a leather necklace that he had been wearing. He told me that sometimes, when he is anxious at night, he just rubs the wire wrapped petrified wood he had around his neck and that was very calming. I told him that prayer does that for me so I would pray every time I looked at the buffalo tooth. I told him prayer is very powerful. He smiled and I gave him my phone number. I hope he will text me so I can encourage him to seek a relationship with Jesus. I pray he finds the peace he is looking for. And I am confident that he WILL find that peace because he is genuinely looking for it.

I never used to ask the Lord to send opportunities like this my way. I was afraid I wasn’t eloquent enough and wouldn’t be able to communicate the gospel clearly. I thought I would do more damage to the cause of Christ and would just invite conflict. But that is actually a really arrogant and untrusting way to live. God promises to be with us always and to give us the words necessary at the right time. He asks us to be available to serve Him in any situation He arranges for us. If I trust God not to send me into a situation I am not equipped to handle - and if I trust Him to equip me for every situation He places me in - and if I trust that He loves me and truly works all things for my good - then why should I be afraid? I shouldn’t!

I am seeking Jesus with all my heart and I finding Him in every detail of my life.

It’s energizing! I am home now but after my coffee date with my friend I enthusiastically went to volunteer at my son’s school where I was available to intervene and break up an altercation between two students and help the victim get to the office to report the incident. And at the end of the school day I picked my son and his friend (who we are trying to be a testimony to) up and brought them to our house where they are currently watching a movie upstairs. I was able to tell the boys about my buffalo tooth necklace and the man who gave it to me and how he needs Jesus and prayer.

And here I sit, my ears are ringing and the inside of my mouth is numb. And none of that matters because I am looking down at the buffalo tooth hanging from my neck and thinking about the appointment Jesus set up for me with a 77 year old man, anxious about his eternal future and looking for peace.

Strength for Today, Hope for Tomorrow

Sometimes the random nature of MS is confusing and upsetting to those I share this life with.

Yesterday was supposed to be a day when I had more energy because it was a day I took the medication that is SUPPOSED TO help improve my energy and focus. And the day started out great, actually.

There is no easy way to explain how my energy took a nose dive at around 9am. But I had to take a nap at 9:30am! Simple tasks like getting dressed are harder for me but on a day where I’ve taken my “pep pill” and had already downed a cup of coffee, I shouldn’t need a nap at 9:30am!

I took a shower after my nap. Showers for me are a glorious experience! I am always cold so a nice hot shower makes almost everything better. On some days a nice hot shower can give me an energy boost as well. But on other days the effort of taking a shower (and all the getting undressed and dressed again) take all the strength I can muster and then I’m too tired for much of anything else. Yesterday was one of those energy drain days.

These days cause my husband no end of grief. My doctor once had me taking extra caffeine pills to help boost my energy and at the time she told me that the reason I was able to drink a Coke or coffee at night and still sleep soundly was that my fatigue is stronger than caffeine. Apparently, my fatigue is also sometimes stronger than my prescription “pep pills” (as I call them).

There are multiple things going on inside me that can contribute to my fatigue. One is that I have MS which strips the coating on the “wires” in my brain that send signals throughout my body. This causes short circuits and slow signals and makes my brain work extra hard to do everything.

Another factor is that I am 53 years old and in the beginning stages of menopause which is a challenging stage in the life of a woman where hormones become unstable and so do we!😂 Multiple Sclerosis symptoms worsen during menopause and there just isn’t a whole lot that can be done about it.

In addition, the last few days I have been experiencing a new and bizarre sensation that starts in the neighborhood of my left armpit. It’s almost like an internal spasm but it doesn’t hurt. It shoots throughout the entire left side of my body and then I feel a cold sensation spreading through my body. It only happens once or twice in a day and it only lasts a few seconds. But I don’t like the feeling and I don’t know what it is so it scares me a little.

Thankfully, today was a much better day. I had the energy for grocery shopping and even had left over energy! Of course, my husband wasn’t home today to experience my energy. He often sees me on my lowest energy days. And it is really difficult for him not to feel a little hurt that I have energy on days when he isn’t home but often have no energy when he is home.

There is a hymn that I have had running through my brain the last couple of days. The specific verse and then the chorus go like this:

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth

Thine own great presence to cheer and to guide

Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside

Great is Thy faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness

Morning by morning new mercies I see

All I have needed Thy hands hath provided

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me

I love that hymn!

In any case, like I said, today was a good day for me and I didn’t experience the weird spasm thing today either!

My daughter is taking an anatomy class and today they were talking medical terminology. They learned about the meanings of some root words. She came home and told me that “Scler” means “tough” and “osis” means “disease” so “multiple sclerosis” is “multiple tough disease.” Then she said she is going to tell all her friends that her Mom has multiple tough disease! Then she asked me if I knew what GenZ means when they say “Tuff.” 🤣

I made this meme about it - my daughter thinks it’s “cringe” but I don’t care…🤣

I thank the Lord for the strength He gave me today and for the hope I have for tomorrow.