I have spent a lot of time trying to examine my true motives for the things I do and say these days. Am I truly seeking glory and honor for Christ alone or do I want a little respect or acknowledgement for my self sometimes too? Am I seeking the Lord’s will and considering others or do I feel like I can go it on my own because I am confident I know what I’m doing?
I was asked recently to give the devotional at a friend’s bridal shower. I accepted and later felt extremely inadequate to give a devotional fit for a bridal shower attended by a group of women from our church, most of whom are much more qualified than I am! But then I took a look at myself and my internal thoughts and motives. Had I accepted the task initially because I felt a little pride in being asked to share my thoughts on marriage? Was I now feeling inadequate because I feared the judgmental eyes of others if I didn’t do justice to the subject? The Lord stopped me in my thoughts and reminded me that He has all the answers and marriage was HIS design. The Bible is full of marriage advice and then He told me just to trust Him to give me the words. He reminded me that the bridal shower was about the bride, not me and the devotional was about God, not me. In short, I didn’t matter! [As an aside: I have been given permission by the bride-to-be to post the devotional to this blog so I will end this post with my very wordy devotional for those who have the time, patience and desire to read to the end.]
I prayed - A LOT - as I studied and worked on writing out this devotional. I had only a week to prepare and I have a family - a husband and kids on summer break from school that I could not neglect while working on this devotional. Without divine intervention I was never going to get this pulled together! Thankfully, I was able to get it finished and then, recognizing that I am a flawed human being, I decided to ask for the advice of two of my trusted friends (who live in different parts of the country and who have never met anyone from our church) and opened myself up to their criticisms of my devotional and suggestions for improvement. God used them to not only help me in this practical way but they also upheld me in prayer as I delivered this devotional at the shower.
Now to the shower itself and thinking about motives...
When invitations were sent out they gave a start time and a location and said more details would follow. When I was called and asked to give the devotional I was told I would have about 15-20 minutes but the person who asked me did not know the schedule. More details never did follow. Our daughter needed to be up at camp (which involved taking a ferry) by 3:30pm the day of the bridal shower. For our family this meant that we would need to have lunch and then we would need to leave our home by 1pm to head to the ferry terminal. I have been to several bridal showers at our church and thought I knew what to expect so I wasn’t concerned that we didn’t have more details and I was sure we could do both activities since the shower was at 9:30am.
At a typical bridal shower (historically at our church anyway) there might be coffee, tea, maybe donuts and punch for people to sip and munch on throughout the shower. Generally we have started out right away with prayer, a devotional and a fun game or two. After this, the bride-to-be opens her gifts and passes them around for all to admire and someone is tasked with writing a list of the gifts and who the giver was to make it easy for thank you notes to be written as cards often get separated from gifts at a shower. Then guests are free to fellowship or leave and get on with the activities of their day. I remember my own bridal shower so fondly! My favorite parts were the devotional and the passing around of the gifts. One very flamboyant older woman held up a nightgown I had received and danced around the circle of women at the shower! And probably my favorite part of all was the impromptu singing of Happy Birthday by the little boy who was at my shower with his mother and sister and who would later be the ring bearer at our wedding. It was very casual and fun and I don’t remember anyone separating out into smaller groups of friends - we were all one big group and I felt loved, included and I knew every single woman there was praying for me and my future.
This shower was very different. I am not saying every bridal shower has to follow the same set schedule. But the expectation is that every bridal shower will have certain elements in common and will be roughly an hour long or maybe 2 hours at the most. So that is what the majority of attendees were anticipating when we committed to attending this bridal shower.
The first 30 minutes of this shower guests just mingled and waited for the shower to begin. At 10am a prayer was offered and we were invited to find a seat at a table and enjoy breakfast (during which there was a game) there was a full variety of foods and even cheesecake. It was quite a spread and a lot of work had obviously gone into it. At about 10:45 we were moved to an area where chairs had been set up in a square - facing inward. Another prayer was offered and 5 full hymns had been chosen for us to sing. At about 11am I was asked to give “a short devotional”. I had thought I would pray before I spoke but I was feeling rushed because I knew my devotional was going to take close to 20 minutes and I knew I really needed to leave by no later than 11:30 in order to get home to fix lunch for my family so we could leave by 1pm. So I jumped right in and read as fast as I could without sounding TOO rushed. When I was done, there was an awkward silence. I was then asked to pray and I hope my prayer was coherent because I wasn’t expecting to be asked to pray and I was distracted by the silence and by my need to exit the shower. I announced after the prayer that my daughter and I had to leave, I hugged the bride-to-be and we left. We missed all the gift opening festivities.
I was left with a sinking feeling that my devotional had not gone over well with this group of women. One of my friends who had encouraged and helped advise me asked how it went and I didn’t have an answer. But then it occurred to me that, if my motive truly WAS to remove myself and give God the spotlight, I had accomplished that - or rather, God had. He placed me in a position where I was not available to receive immediate feedback. And in that place, I wrestled with my desire for affirmation - and I let it go. I do not NEED human approval if I am accomplishing God’s will.
On Sunday, I got very positive feedback from several of the women in attendance. The Lord graciously gave me what I had secretly desired - but not until after I had let that desire die in my heart.
I also found out on Sunday that the shower and subsequent clean-up had not ended until after 1pm. There were still people lingering and talking after 1. Here I have to interject some thoughts on motives. First, I will mention that not a single person reached out to me to tell me what the schedule for the shower would be and no one asked if I was available for the entire shower. I never dreamed a bridal shower would last nearly 4 hours. There were people who traveled to this shower that spent an hour or more on the road (some took a ferry) just to get there and would spend just as much time traveling back home. There were 5 or 6 women in their 70’s and 80’s who had to get rides to and from the shower who could not just leave when they got tired. Did the organizers take these ladies and their physical limitations into consideration? It doesn’t appear they did. Were they aware one in attendance was recovering from a surgery she’d had earlier in the week? Likely not.
I am not the only attendee who had afternoon plans that day. Even the bride-to-be had plans scheduled. The organizers of the shower had good ideas but they had not thought about the needs of the guest of honor or the other guests when making their plans. They had not communicated their plans the invited guests and it doesn’t appear that they sought the counsel of more experienced women in this matter. Is it because these ladies felt they didn’t need help planning a party? Or because they thought they knew better how to plan a bridal shower and thought the old way was inadequate for what they were trying to do? I think they initially truly intended to provide a fun bridal celebration and it WAS in many respects. But they inadvertently caused problems for many women whose husbands did not appreciate their wives unexpectedly being gone at a bridal shower that should have lasted an hour or 2 but instead lasted 3 or 4. I left the shower early - after only 2 hours - and even I was gone from home for 3 hours because of travel time and I live closer than most of the people in attendance. Most women can’t afford to be gone from their families for hours on end without notice. I pray that, through this experience, lessons were learned.
Now I must examine my own motives for posting all this in a public blog. Am I simply venting my frustration and wishing to create discontent? No. My heart’s desire is to use this as an example to others to learn from and to encourage the young women in our church to examine their own motives and intentions. Talk to people outside of your core group of friends on Sundays and truly listen to them - find out what is going on with them. Not only when you are planning an event but regularly - so you can be better connected to the WHOLE church and so you know how to pray during the week. We are a church body - it doesn’t function properly when one part of the body decides to go it alone and ignores the needs, advice and capabilities of the other parts of the body. Take an inward took and TRULY examine your motives. If you aren’t concerned with the schedules and responsibilities of the people you invite to a function, you aren’t showing love and your good intentions are going to end up causing harm. I don’t feel that old but I’m older than everyone who had a part in planning the shower. As an older believer, I am supposed to encourage the younger women to examine themselves and help them grow as spiritual leaders - they are part of the future of our church and their growth and maturity is essential to a properly functioning church. I know this sounds harsh in some ways but sometimes loving correction can feel like harsh judgement. I love all these ladies and I appreciate all the work they put in to planning and executing on the plans for this bridal shower. My prayer is that they be humble enough to admit amongst themselves that they made some mistakes and endeavor to learn from those mistakes. These things are easily forgiven and forgotten if handled with the proper heart attitude (by everyone).
Now, for those who have made it this far and are still interested, the following is the devotional message I gave at my friend’s bridal shower:
Bridal Shower Devotional
When I was first asked to do the devotional for this bridal shower I said “yes” right away. This bride-to-be is my friend and I did not hesitate to jump at the opportunity to give a devotional at her bridal shower. But in the hours and days following I started to feel wholly inadequate to prepare a devotional before such a godly group of women. I have never done anything like this before and the last bridal shower I attended was 16 years ago. I am ill equipped to give marriage advice. I reached out to some of my closest friends and I asked for prayer. They were encouraging and supportive, have been praying since and likely are praying at this very moment.
The truth of the matter is that I AM inadequate for this task. So my prayer has been as I prepared this, and is today, that the Lord would guide my thoughts, direct my heart and speak through me the thoughts that He wants to convey to my friend, His daughter, as she looks forward to a new chapter in her life as a married woman.
I really felt like I should first focus less on marital advice and more on the most important member of a godly marriage - Jesus Christ.
The Bible is very clear that, regardless of our marital status, Jesus must be our first love. “Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment.” Matthew 22:37-38. So love God with your whole heart. And if you do, He will fill your heart so full that your heart will overflow with love that will spill over on to your husband in an abundance that would otherwise not be possible. Because without a deep, abiding love for our Savior, we do not possess the ability to love others deeply. “Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”” Luke 6:38 . So give your whole heart to God and watch how much He gives you in return!
The Bible is also clear that we should put our full trust in Jesus. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;” Proverbs 3:5 He is the foundation of your life and marriage. As human beings are not always reliable; we sometimes disappoint one another. Husbands sometimes fail in their leadership roles and wives fail to listen to and support our husbands at times. We are flawed. But the Lord can ALWAYS be trusted.
Always listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit. He understands us individually and as a married couple. This is where you turn when you don’t understand your husband or are confused about what you should do as a wife. And if you don’t know what to say, remember the Holy Spirit is your advocate, your heart’s interpreter. “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” Romans 8:26. If you are both in tune with the Holy Spirit, you will be able to ask for guidance in prayer and each will often come to the same conclusion.
Serve the Lord in any capacity He asks of you. Your service will not only please the Lord but will bless those you are serving and benefit your marriage. “She extends her hand to the poor, Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy. Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Proverbs 31:20, 30. When you serve the Lord willingly and with gladness, you bring praise and honor to the Lord and you are praised by others to your husband who will, in turn, be happy with the choice he made in choosing a wife and love you all the more.
Clothe yourself in humility. A humble wife understands that not every opinion needs to be expressed. Not every disagreement is worth the argument. Letting go of pride is essential in the Christian life as well as in a godly marriage. “When pride comes, then comes shame; But with the humble is wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2. ”The humble He guides in justice, And the humble He teaches His way.” Psalms 25:9 “He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?” Micah 6:8 “Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife.” II Timothy 2:22-23 When you DO disagree (and you will), be respectful.
With humility naturally comes submission - to God and to our husbands but also to each other as believers. “rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands,” I Peter 3:4-5 “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” Philippians 2:3 “Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another;” Romans 12:10 You cannot submit to anyone if you are prideful.
Now, back to this love business. Loving God and putting Him first in your life breeds perfect love which you are then able to lavish on your spouse. “But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked.” I John 2:5-6 It’s so easy and tempting, especially when you are newly married, to prioritize your love for your spouse because it’s exciting! But don’t let your relationship with Christ take a back seat to your husband. The two of you need to work to keep Christ central to your marriage because HE is the key to a successful marriage. My daughter read this quote the other day: “A woman’s heart must be so close to God that a man has to seek Him to find her.”
You two are now one body. All the verses about the body of Christ apply to your new identity as a married couple. “but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ— from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.” Ephesians 4:15-16
Now one piece of wisdom from my father-in-law who was a marriage and family counselor. Be careful what you say to one another. There are things that should never be said in a marriage - even in anger during an argument - things you can’t un-say. You can cause a lot of hurt with poorly chosen words that can cause lasting damage in a marriage relationship. Let’s face it, we forgive but only God is capable of truly forgetting. It is extremely important to control our tongues. I would argue that it is most important in our closest relationships to be mindful of the words we speak to one another. “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:29, 31-32 “Whoever guards his mouth and tongue Keeps his soul from troubles.” Proverbs 21:23
Along this theme, I don’t know where I heard this as a teen but I heard or read that you should not use the words “always” or “never” in arguments. If I say to my spouse in a moment of frustration “You never listen to me!” Or “You always forget to put the toilet seat down!” Are either of those statements founded in truth? No! My husband doesn’t always want to listen to what I have to say but I can’t honestly say he NEVER does and if I say that to him, I am provoking an argument unnecessarily and creating a bigger issue out of a minor frustration.
While this is a good communication guideline in human relationships, the same does not hold true in our relationship with Jesus Christ. Always and never are the only appropriate words to describe His faithfulness. He is ALWAYS available, ALWAYS listens, ALWAYS trustworthy. He is NEVER cruel, NEVER unfaithful, and He NEVER lies. So, put all your trust in God and you will never lack security in any of your relationships.
In short, put God first, trust God most, listen to the Holy Spirit best, serve God faithfully, submit yourself humbly, guard your mouth wisely and love God generously.
Scripture has a lot of marriage advice. But the best marriage advice in scripture is wrapped up in how we are to live a godly, victorious Christian life. Every relationship we have is blessed when we walk in close communion with Jesus.
As I worked my way through my study on this subject I noticed that I Corinthians 13 really sums up the ideas I have tried to convey and adds more - in a LOT fewer words! I will let it speak for itself without commentary from me:
“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”
I Corinthians 13:4-7, 13
One final note:
Almost everything is about to change for you. Your address, your name, your routine, your lifestyle… But because you have put your faith and trust in the God who never changes (“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8) you can confidently and boldly embark on this new adventure called marriage and build on the firm foundation - the Rock of your salvation - Jesus Christ!
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