Pain Tolerance

I know I need to pace myself and limit the major tasks I tackle to one or maybe two per day. And a “major” task for me is defined differently than for a healthy person- and WAY differently than when I was healthy myself! A major task is grocery shopping - that pretty much uses up all my energy for a full day. Yard work has to be broken up into small, more manageable pieces. Housework also has to be broken down into smaller chores that are spread out over several days. Thankfully, I have capable teenagers who do the bulk of the housework and a husband who does the bulk of the yard work! But we have been trying to do some deeper “spring” cleaning this past week or so and that has been an all hands on deck process and I tried to do too much. As a result, after watering the raspberries and as I was putting the hose away, my ankle decided it was going to roll. I didn’t sprain my ankle because I fell all the way to the ground once it rolled. But I DID bruise the outer edge of my foot AND I think I pulled the muscle that runs across the arch of my foot (at least I HOPE that’s all I did). It hurt! But I have still been able to limp around so I have continued to do what I can to keep up with my life. I have always had a high pain tolerance and I rarely take pain relievers. I took some pain relievers for a couple of days because they are also anti-inflammatories and my foot was swollen. I iced it too. But it has been over a week now since I hurt my foot and it is not getting better. It’s not worse but it is getting harder to push through and ignore the pain. It was already fatiguing to drag my left leg around because my brain struggles to send signals down the left side of my body. But now that my left foot also hurts when I am walking, I am finding it even more fatiguing and my pain threshold is being stretched.

I have been experiencing a different type of pain over the past week as well. Someone I care about has been trying to engage in a political debate with me. She has very strong and very negative feelings that I keep trying to help her overcome by pointing her back to the Lord. She is not open to a different perspective or to taking a wider view of the issues she sees as problems. She wants to air her opinions and then she wants those opinions validated. She is a Christian that apparently doesn’t trust that Christ has everything handled and can’t rest in His promises. She doesn’t experience the peace or joy of knowing the Lord has control of a world that feels out of control. I don’t like arguing so I refuse to allow myself to be drawn in to a fruitless debate. I just keep bringing up scripture and urging her to seek Godly wisdom and discernment and to trust that God is able to use anyone to accomplish His purposes. She continues to fill my inbox with arguments and I am rapidly approaching my pain threshold.

I have been here before. I am related to a person who loves to debate so much that he purposely takes the opposite side from me on every issue just to argue. He calls it “discourse” and he really enjoys it. I do not. His life is a train wreck in every area and he has turned his back on God. He is an angry, bitter person who thrives on picking verbal fights. It is toxic and I had to cut off communication with him even though he is a member of my family and I love him. I pray for him but I can’t allow him to rent negative space in my brain. I reached my pain threshold with him years ago and a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders.

I know there are a lot of strong emotions out there regarding our country’s political situation. There is so much divisive rhetoric being tossed around and it’s ugly. It is important to understand that the people around us are not the enemy but are being USED by our enemy to create division and distract us. If we are full of anxiety, fear and anger and are fighting about our differences and debating political positions, we can’t be effective witnesses for Christ. We damage our testimonies and we miss out on the peace and joy we can experience when we put our full confidence in the Lord and trust that He has everything under control. We can choose not to be a part of the problem. I find that my threshold for this type of pain is higher when I keep my eyes on Jesus and out of the political fray. He is my hope and my redeemer. He has overcome the world and is my confidence and full assurance. He has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. As long as I keep this in perspective, if I truly believe God is omnipotent and omniscient, I am free from the burdens of this crazy, sinful world and I don’t have to tolerate the pain because I have a Savior who carries those burdens for me.

Memories and Lessons Learned

A friend told me a cute story about a little girl in the Sunday school class she teaches and it started me thinking about my own childhood and all the great memories I have. And I have been thinking about and praying about what I might write this time for a couple of weeks now.

There’s a book titled “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” and there is some truth to that. We learn about sharing and working with others, about kindness and how to follow rules, etc. But there are so many life lessons I learned throughout my entire childhood and I didn’t realize how many of my best (and worst) childhood memories would shape who I am today.

We think we are just living out our lives, going to school, heads down and doing our best to enjoy what we can each day when we are kids. Life for us is pretty much about getting through the boring stuff (school) and having as much fun as possible. Our parents and teachers are doing their best to try to teach us everything we need to know to be productive adults but our priorities as kids are VERY different.

As I write this I am struck by how similar this is to us as believers - especially those of us who are stuck in their faith and are not experiencing growth or a close walk with the Lord. Sermons can feel boring and we're going through the motions by attending church but if we are honest, we are often just enduring the services until they are over and we can get to the part of Sunday that we find more enjoyable - coffee, catching up with friends we haven’t seen in a week, etc. God and our church leaders are trying to teach us lessons we need to learn in order to lead victorious Christian lives - but OUR priorities are different.

Back to my original subject:

The Lord’s timing is always so perfect! At church this past Sunday we had a visitor. When she came in, she was late for the service and she had a hat and face mask on so I couldn’t see her face but she was obviously blind because she tried to sit in 2 different seats - both of which were occupied - as she stumbled around the room. The gentleman occupying one of the seats graciously got up and helped her sit in his now vacated seat and he moved to another chair. She couldn’t have picked a nicer person to displace - this man is one of the kindest, most gentle people I know. Anyway, when she was seated she took her hat and face mask off and I recognized her immediately! This woman graduated from the same high school I did - but 8 years earlier than me. She was born blind and she has a fervent passion for the Lord Jesus Christ- and for music! I met her while I was still in high school because she used to visit the school frequently and she attended several of our choir concerts. Talk about a blast from the past! I was afraid she would largely be ignored by the people at our church because she was so disheveled and smelled like she hadn’t had a shower in awhile. She was carrying a doll and two big teddy bears and had a backpack with her. She looked like she could be homeless. When the service was over I went straight to her to make sure she felt comfortable. Actually, I had told my kids who she was and it was my son who reached her first and greeted her so warmly! I was SO happy he did that! It was so special to be able to reconnect with her and to introduce her to my children. She is not homeless but she does live alone in a small apartment. She has some sort of mental disability as well as being stone blind. But she is very intelligent and she loves Jesus. She has an impressive memory and has this special ministry where she calls people (she has a flip cell phone and a directory in her head of phone numbers) and she leaves them voicemail messages where she sings an uplifting chorus and leaves an encouraging message. She goes wherever she feels the Lord is leading her and she stays as long as she feels He wants her to. She gets around by the grace of God. She doesn’t have much money and obviously can’t drive. She takes buses when she can and often relies on the kindness of strangers to help her get around. On Sunday, someone gifted her a ride in an Uber to get her to our church. One of our elders (who is so often available to help give people rides and is an unsung hero and faithful servant of God) took her home afterward. She determines where she is going to go and then trusts Gods to help her get there. Hearing her great faith is humbling! She stays in touch with several of our old high school teachers and has their phone numbers memorized so she gave them to me.

I contacted 2 of my former high school teachers via text and heard back from both of them! One was my former choir director and the other had been my history teacher.

My former history teacher had also been a chaperone on my 8th grade State Trip. He later married my former 3rd grade teacher (a few years after his wife left him for another man). He is 85 years old now and this was our first contact in over 30 years. What I find really sad is that, in his short response to my text, he found it necessary to tell me that he gets a lot of attention to the things he posts on Facebook because he isn’t “very fond of the current occupant of the White House.” At 85, my former Christian high school history teacher is spending a lot of negative thought energy on politics. I did not take the bait and enter into a political conversation with him. Here was my response:

I have recently been chatting with someone about political differences and the Lord kept speaking to my heart that He is in control of the situation. He can use ANYONE to accomplish His will. It is not my job to determine what is in the heart of our leaders or to worry about things I have no control over. My job is to pray and leave the results in the Lord’s hands.

“Therefore I exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men, for kings and all who are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence. For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.”

I Timothy 2:1-4 NKJV

By keeping my thoughts focused on the Lord through prayer I am at peace and can live out a joyous life, unencumbered by the circumstances or political divisions surrounding me.

I was a little disappointed but it is another opportunity to pray. I truly believe the Lord created this opportunity for me to help pull my former teacher out of a dark place of fear and bitterness and point his attention back to the Lord.

Now, I didn’t honestly intend to say any of that. But it needed to be said and now, part 2 of my post:

First, when thinking about my former 3rd grade teacher, I cringe at all the terrible things I did that year. I got caught cheating on a math test (I hated math and didn’t understand it but cheating was the wrong way to handle it!). I also was so jealous of a girl in my class who had a big sticker collection so I stole her collection. I was questioned but never confessed and there was no proof so I got away with it but it wasn’t worth it! I couldn’t enjoy the stickers at the time and I STILL feel guilty about it today!

The picture above is of a canvas bag with a picture of my kindergarten class silk screened onto the front. The mom of one of my classmates made these bags for all of the moms that year. My mom gave this bag to me a year ago. Several of my kindergarten classmates went all the way through school with me and we graduated high school together.

My mom used to get together and do sewing projects with 2 of the moms of my kindergarten classmates - our families also went to church together. Our moms would get together while we were at school and would rotate which house they would go to. I have vivid memories of the embarrassment us kids would feel when an announcement would go out to our entire elementary school to tell us to ride the bus home with one of the other kids. Especially when we were in 4th or 5th grade and since 2 of the 3 of us were boys. The good news is that I was a tomboy so finding activities to do while our mothers chatted together wasn’t difficult. Cowboys and Indians was my favorite because one of the boys had cap guns. It was a much more innocent time to grow up. I learned a lot about how to get along with boys (and how to deal with public embarrassment).

Another boy from my kindergarten class had also been in preschool with me. He ended up being one of my closest friends all the way through school. We played Star Wars on the playground at recess together when we were in elementary school (I was the only girl who was interested in playing initially so I was, of course, Princess Leia). I remember the names of all the kids we played Star Wars with and which character they played. More lessons about how to get along with boys - and how to work together with a diverse group of people.

In later elementary school our teacher had several different parents come in to teach us about their chosen careers. My Dad came and brought seedling trees for us to plant around the campus because he worked for a large lumber company. The only other parent I remember clearly was the father of my close friend from my kindergarten class - his dad was a dentist and he brought us goodie bags with dental floss, toothbrushes, etc. I learned respect for my Dad and for his chosen career and willingness to take the time to teach my elementary class about it in a way that was hands-on and memorable. I learned that my classmates came from a variety of backgrounds and each was valuable and fascinating in their own way. I also learned that object lessons and creativity are key to helping kids learn and retain information.

I was not a popular kid in school and I was often snubbed by those who were. A lot of hurtful things were said and done and I learned how to identify the people in my life who had integrity. Mostly I learned about who I wanted to be and who I DIDN’T want to be as I navigated my way through my childhood and adolescence. Today, 35 years after my high school graduation, there are only 2 people from my childhood that I still keep tabs on and BOTH were in my kindergarten class. One of the boys is one whose mother was one of my mother’s seamstress friends and the other is the one I played Star Wars with on the playground. Both were ALWAYS kind to me and both have shown good character and integrity throughout all the years I have known them. One is still in the area and his wife teaches at my daughter’s school. The other lives in California now and is a sports writer. I follow him on Instagram. He recently wrote a book that I ordered and have just started reading.

Outside of school I had friends in my neighborhood. We used play outside as much as possible and tried to stay outside as late as possible after dinner on weekends and during the summer. We lived within walking distance of a bowling alley and we would go there sometimes for fun. But one of my friends had his own bowling ball and shoes and had taken lessons. He was constantly trying to instruct us on proper techniques and critiquing our performance. He sapped all the fun out of bowling for me. The object for me was not winning - it was having fun with my friends. I like winning but it’s the fun we have together while playing the game that I enjoy most.

Another neighborhood friend liked to play board games but she hated losing. If she lost a game she would accuse the winner of cheating and would get up in a huff and go home. This was my best friend in high school. But we were so different. When we were younger we argued so much that I wrote her a letter, ending our friendship. She got upset and showed the letter to her parents who talked to my parents and we were forced to go out into my backyard and talk it out. We resolved the issue and became best friends for awhile but after college we drifted apart and now we have no contact. We had a get-together once as young adults and we discussed a great many things trying to find common ground. We discovered we were on opposite sides of every issue important to us - faith (she was an atheist), politics, marriage, even on health issues. We didn’t argue but we didn’t stay in contact either.

I probably can’t express to you all the lessons I learned from these experiences but I CAN tell you that I learned a lot about myself and about the person God wants me to be. I’ve learned that it’s important to maintain integrity and good character and to put distance between myself and those who lack integrity. I have learned that God brings a variety of people into our lives and He intends for us to use discernment and understand that God loves absolutely every single person we cross paths with - but not every single person we interact with has good intentions. We are still supposed to honor God in all we do and say but we aren’t being asked to invite everyone to stay involved in our lives indefinitely.

I realize as I contemplate my past that I am still learning some of these lessons. I am enjoying the trip down memory lane and am learning new lessons as I reminisce about my childhood. I doubt I will learn everything I was supposed to from those childhood experiences but I am going to try!

I forgot about my birthday…

My birthday is on Sunday. But I was sick last week and I have struggled to regain my energy, Father’s Day was this past Sunday and this is my son’s last week of school and the final days for him to get his assignments turned in. In addition, my daughter has a surprise birthday party to go to on Saturday. So my birthday has not really been on my radar. Tomorrow (Thursday) is June 19 and my son has that day off (his last day is Friday and is only 2 1/2 hours long- mostly assembly).

Because my daughter’s last day of school was June 13 and my son has the 19th off, we made a plan to spend the day with my Mom. My sister will be at work but will join us in the evening after she gets home. Because I gave them a heads up that we would be coming over, my sister called me while grocery shopping a couple of days ago to ask if we would be celebrating my birthday together tomorrow or if there was a different plan. She caught me off guard because I had completely forgotten that my birthday was fast approaching and, of course my Mom and sister would want to celebrate with me! We all had a good laugh but I have thought a lot about the fact that there are so many much more important things going on now than my birthday.

Some exciting things are going on - like Father’s Day, the last days of the school year, my son’s field day (which was today), 16th birthday parties for my daughter and her friends and other fun things like getting together with my family and enjoying this warmer weather we are having.

But there are scary things happening too like the war between Israel and Iran that is intensifying, the moral decline of our culture and the open conflict, hatred and violence everywhere we turn.

And then there are my own personal struggles with MS and the rapid physical weakening in my legs and the serious difficulty I am having with dizziness and balance. Today I tried to just tiptoe through our field of Lupin flowers to take a picture of the beautiful dark purple flowers that are new this year- every year there are new combinations of colors that sprout up and it’s fun to see what will be new each year. But there are very few bare spots that I can walk on to avoid stepping on the surrounding plants. The ground is uneven and I lost my balance this morning and fell onto my back - hitting my head pretty hard. Not hard enough to lose consciousness or see stars or even to give me a headache - but it DID hurt and it took me a minute to get myself up. After I got up, I noticed that my head had landed less than an inch away from a large decorative rock that we have in that area. I landed in a hillside that had been mulched. But I could have hit my head on that rock and I might have been lying there unconscious until a neighbor discovered me. My son was at school, my husband was flying (on his way home from Washington DC) and my daughter was in bed (sleeping late after a busy day and a late night last night). I realized immediately how fortunate I had been and it scared me a little. It was unwise of me to try to stumble around that hillside when I was feeling so dizzy - especially without anyone around. I recognize that I was protected by the Lord this morning but He also expects me to use my brain to make better choices!

Here is a picture I took from the safety of our driveway:

Here are some other new color combinations:

We’ve never had a pure white one before this year:

After my close call, I went inside to spend an hour with the Lord reading my Bible and praying. One reading plan I am doing is going through Revelation as part of the daily reading right now. Revelation is my favorite book of the Bible and I have read through it several times. But today was the first time I teared up and felt like crying when I read these verses:

“And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things which were written in the books. And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire.” Revelation‬ ‭20‬:‭12‬, ‭15‬ ‭

I recognize that the Lord could be coming soon for His church - true believers and followers of Christ. The rapture is literally the next event on the prophetic calendar. Time is running short and I feel an urgent need to try to snatch as many people from Satan’s grasp as I can.

One thing I can always count on is for the Lord to create opportunities for me out of thin air! After my reading I got on with a list of things I needed to accomplish before my husband got home. I was in the middle of putting together a chicken rice casserole to bake for dinner this evening when I got a phone call and then a text (because I had raw chicken on my hands and didn’t answer my phone) from the guys who were on their way over this morning to do a warranty replacement of one of our windows upstairs. I knew they were supposed to come but it had slipped my mind for a bit this morning.

They were really nice guys and we chatted about all kinds of things while they were working. I kept having this nagging thought that I needed to ask this guy if he was a Christian. I couldn’t shake it so, as they were finishing up the job (and they did excellent work), I asked. He said “no” that he doesn’t believe in any religion because he thinks religion has been used too much to manipulate people. The guy helping him (who he called his brother) is Muslim. He said that he just tries to do good and be nice to everyone and, he doesn’t know if there’s a God, but if there is and if being a good person isn’t good enough for Him, oh well…

I was going to let it go but the Lord wouldn’t let me! I had to explain the gospel to him and told him that I like him and care about his eternal future and really hoped he would think about the fact that you have to be perfect to go to heaven because God is perfect and can’t be in the presence of sin. I told him no one can be perfect so we would all be headed for hell and eternal punishment because the penalty for sin is death. He had some knowledge of the scriptures because he knew about the sacrifices in the old testament and he knew about the story of Abraham being told to sacrifice Isaac and then not being allowed to go through with it. I told him I was not talking about Christianity as a religion but as a personal relationship with Jesus Christ who is God but chose to become human, live a perfect life and die as a perfect sacrifice for the sins of the world and then rose again 3 days later and is alive in heaven. I told him that anyone who believes this and accepts His free gift of life will live forever in heaven. The alternative is hell - everyone else goes there. But I told him God does not want us to go there. He asked some great questions and even brought up what is happening in Israel and Iran right now. I used that as an opportunity to discuss how Israel is a tiny country surrounded by countries who hate them and want to wipe them off the face of the earth and yet, they are still here and thriving. He said he was impressed by how wealthy and technologically advanced they are as a nation - especially given all their opposition. I explained that they are God’s chosen people and are under His protection. It’s the only reason they still exist. It was a really good discussion- had right in front of his Muslim “brother” (and roommate as it turns out). I am praying they will both do a lot of thinking and soul searching.

I relate this story to encourage everyone to grab the opportunities the Lord presents to you. He will bless your efforts. I honestly believe that the Lord knew He was going to send people to me today to witness to so He didn’t allow my foolish choice to totter around a flower patch in my slippers, causing me to lose my balance and hit my head, to take me out of the way of planting seeds and potentially winning a soul or two for Christ. You just never know when these divine appointments are going to happen so be ready to recognize the voice of the Holy Spirit within you - and don’t ignore Him!

Oh, and learn from my mistakes and make better choices!😊

Not my fight…

I have been sick most of this week. The worst of my cold is thankfully over now but for a couple of days there I was too sick to fix meals or do much of anything to help around the house. I felt really useless.

Each morning when I wake up I mentally put on the Armor of God and pray the Lord would equip me to fight the spiritual battles that I will face that day. But Wednesday morning I was so sick! I stopped myself during this morning routine, thinking that I didn’t have the strength or energy to fight that day. And immediately the Lord reminded me that it is HE who does the fighting. I have spent the last few days really thinking about this. I am not strong enough to fight against the devil. He is a powerful adversary and I am no match for him. However, the armor of God is for my protection against the attacks of this enemy. It is defensive. The helmet of Salvation - to protect my mind from destructive thoughts. The breastplate of Righteousness - to protect my heart from chasing after sinful desires. The belt of Truth - to hold my protective gear in place so I don’t let my guard down. The shield of Faith - an extra layer of protection to deflect fiery darts and keep them from penetrating my heart or my mind. And even the sword of the Spirit is defensive - the word of God, not my own words, used to defend against the lies being spouted everywhere I turn. The only part of the armor that isn’t truly defensive are the shoes - the preparation of the gospel of peace - moving offensively with a message of peace and salvation meant to prevent conflict, not provoke it.

I have been reading this week in II Chronicles 20 about when the Moabites and Ammonites came to battle against Judah. Jehoshaphat prayed to the Lord earnestly and, because he followed after the Lord as king of Judah, the Lord told him to prepare for battle but that this battle was not theirs to fight but He would fight this one alone. God told them to position themselves and then sit still and see that the Lord would fight and save them. And He did! No one from the enemy encampment survived and not a single soldier engaged in battle - the battle was over before it began.

This account in II Chronicles reminded me of several other similar passages in the Bible:

You shall not fear them, for it is the LORD your God who fights for you. Deuteronomy 3:22

The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent. Exodus 14:14

for the LORD your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory. Deuteronomy 20:4

Then Elisha prayed and said, “O LORD, please open his eyes that he may see.” So the LORD opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw, and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. II Kings 6:17

With him is an arm of flesh, but with us is the LORD our God, to help us and to fight our battles.” And the people took confidence from the words of Hezekiah king of Judah. II Chronicles 32:8

And he said, “No; but I am the commander of the army of the LORD. Now I have come.” … Joshua 5:14a

One man of you puts to flight a thousand, since it is the LORD your God who fights for you, just as he promised you. Joshua 23:10

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Romans 12:19

Time and again we are told that the Lord fights our battles for us. He doesn’t need our assistance. He DOES want us to be ready though because He wants us to be strong enough to defend ourselves when attacked. But every piece of defensive armor is provided by God and serves to create a forcefield of protection around us so we don’t have to fight the heavy spiritual battles raging in every direction we face.

I don’t know if I am articulating this very clearly. What I am trying to say is that our battles are fought on our knees through constant prayer. God does the rest. We just need to be still, acknowledge that He is our omnipotent God, prepare to defend ourselves and then watch God work and wait for Him to save us.

Humanly speaking I like to think I have something to offer God and can help in the daily fight. But I am more like a toddler wanting to help my Mom vacuum the house. God thinks I’m cute and appreciates my heart but He knows I am in way over my head and need Him to do it for me.

So I have changed my morning routine a little. I still prayerfully put my spiritual armor on each morning. But now I ask the Lord to go out before me and fight the battles I can’t see or understand. I ask Him to equip me to defend myself and to be in constant prayer in thankfulness for His abundant care and protection.

I am a slow learner. But I AM learning that I truly am incapable of doing ANYTHING apart from my Savior Jesus Christ!

Somehow the combination of MS, menopause and a head cold have finally driven me to a place where I can understand more fully how truly ill equipped I am to fight an enemy that is infinitely more powerful than I am. But I also now more fully appreciate how infinitely MORE powerful my God is - who fights my battles for me and always wins!

What are you looking at?

I have historically strongly disliked yard work. I didn’t like it as a kid and my feelings toward yard work remained unchanged for a long time into adulthood. In fact, last year was the first year I started to actually enjoy some aspects of working in our yard and this year I am finding it therapeutic and dare I say it…Fun?😉

On Thursday a friend invited me over to cut 2 large bouquets worth of peonies - she has a HUGE garden full of several varieties of the beautiful flowers and she wanted to share them with us. While I was there choosing flowers my friend offered bouquets of peonies to a woman who was passing by on a walk as well. She was telling me about each different type of flower and she knew them by name. I have difficulty remembering names of people I just met so it was impressive to me that she could remember the names of each variety of peony in her flower garden. I brought this enormous bunch of flowers home and put them into two different vases - one is on our dining room table and the other resides in our daughter’s room. I found it was really fun to tromp through the middle of her flower garden selecting flowers for a bouquet and thought I might take on a flower garden of my own one day.

We planted a row of raspberry bushes along the fence on the side of our house about 10 or more years ago. They bear large, juicy and delicious raspberries for a couple of months each summer. Once they start to ripen, we have to harvest them every day if we don’t want them to over-ripen and fall to the ground. I used to really dislike that job because it is hard for me - especially in the heat - but I had to do it because no one else in my family likes picking raspberries either and I don’t want them to be wasted. Plus, they are a nice (and free) addition to our table at meal time. Last year though, I found myself looking forward to the daily task of raspberry picking. I really started to enjoy just being outside- alone with my thoughts while picking berries. I was actually surprised by my newfound enjoyment - especially since it takes energy I often lack and the bending down makes me dizzy and tires out my legs.

I have done some weeding and other yard work over the past 2 days. Today I tied up the raspberry bushes so they wouldn’t be laying on the ground and over the lawn where they could get run over by the lawnmower. This is normally a job my husband would do but he was working on staining our deck and I have taken ownership of nurturing our raspberries. They needed water too so I got out the hose and a sprinkler and watered them.

Yesterday I pulled all the weeds growing among the raspberry bushes. Today I pulled weeds out in the middle of our field of lupines - a few of which are starting to bloom. I also watered the lupines and the sunflowers growing in our back yard.

Another task I used to strongly dislike was dragging the hose out to do all the watering. The ground is uneven and I have sprained my ankle more than once moving the sprinkler around. Plus, my shoes get wet and dirty and I then have to be concerned with tracking mud into the house. But suddenly I enjoy even that job!

Why? Why, after detesting yard work my entire life, do I suddenly like it and actually find myself thinking up reasons I need to be out there working in the yard? I have thought a lot about this and I think I know the answer: God.

Yes, that’s it! Doing yard work is an opportunity to be out in God’s beautiful creation! My eyes are no longer turned down looking at the work ahead of me and just knuckling under and getting it done. Now, I notice every little thing.

Just before I started watering the lupines this morning I noticed a ladybug on one of the leaves. I had my son out pulling weeds with me and I told him about the ladybug. He asked me how many spots it had and then came over to count them - there were 7. 🙂. While I was watering plants I heard an eagle screech and looked up to watch a pair of them soaring high above my head. When there is water on the lupines, beads of water forms right in the middle of the leaves - and they sparkle like gems.

Yesterday while I was weeding between the raspberry bushes I found a small clump of clover and as I scanned them I found one with 4 leaves!

I took a picture before I yanked them out of the ground because clover, while it can be pretty, is invasive and I didn’t want it to choke out our raspberries so I wasn’t going to spare the clover just because one was a little unique.😉

I am always amazed by how creative God is and how I see something different every time I venture outside. I want more of that. I don’t want to approach yard work as a chore to endure but as an opportunity to spend time marveling at God’s handiwork. I am enjoying watching our sunflowers grow and I am curious to see how many lupine colors pop up. I am weaker physically and more unsteady on my feet than ever before and yet, I don’t find my work in the yard to be a struggle.

I mean, I DO struggle- I can’t squat down without falling and once I am kneeling in the ground I struggle to get back up again. I frequently lose my balance and I have to walk very slowly to avoid twisting my ankle or tripping. And I have to take rest breaks and sit down with a bottle of water.

But when I call it quits for the day and go inside, I feel really good. Tired, but I feel like I have been walking with God through the yard and talking with Him about His amazing creation. I feel so thankful for the beauty that surrounds me when I am outside and it makes me want to be out there as often as possible.

So, what I see depends on what I’m looking at. I am not just looking at a bunch of work that has to get done. I am looking at God’s creation and doing my best to lovingly maintain it. The closer I get to God, the closer I want to be to Him.

What are YOU looking at?

Consequences

I grew up in a loving, Christian home. I was raised in a solid non-denominational church which we attended without fail every service or activity offered - I even went with my Mom when they offered an aerobics class! I went to a Christian school from preschool through 12th grade. My parents never drank (there was no alcohol allowed in our home - initially because my grandfather (my Mom’s Dad) was an alcoholic). My parents didn’t smoke, didn’t do drugs and never used profanity. We only listened to Christian radio stations or classical records/tapes or maybe some 50’s music and my parents screened movies before we watched them. I was sheltered from the world and I was blessed!

But I didn’t recognize this shelter as a blessing. I felt that I needed to get out from under this shelter and experience the world to mature. My parents understood something I didn’t grasp as a naive, but over-confident teen. I thought THEY were the naive ones and I wanted to prove that I could handle myself and maintain my faith in Christ even out there in the world.

My parents knew me better than I knew myself and they would not allow me to attend a public university. They didn’t want to lose me to the world so I attended a Christian college. Unfortunately, there are worldly influences everywhere you go. I lived on campus and made friends with people who were not horrible people but certainly weren’t living godly lives.

One such “friend” didn’t even attend that college but was a childhood friend of one of the girls I had befriended that DID attend the school. I couldn’t wait to get on with adulthood- I had no direction in college and felt I was wasting my time and my parents’ money. So I left college after only a year and moved back home.

I spent the summer looking for work but the job market was horrible, I had no experience or college degree and I was discouraged. I was presented with an opportunity to move in with a mentally compromised woman who needed someone to be with her primarily at night because she suffered from paranoia. Rent was included so I jumped on the opportunity to move out of my parents’ house and headlong into independence. I also thought the move would help motivate me to look harder for a job.

I finally found a job working as a receptionist. I actually got that first “real” job because my Dad helped me get into a job seekers network at our church and, at a seminar there, a representative from a job placement agency spoke to our group and gave us job hunting tips. He was a Christian recruiting Christians to help place them in to the workforce. I spoke with him afterwards and got signed up with his agency. He was also friends with the woman who ultimately hired me (because he told her I was a Christian) despite the fact I lacked experience.

The woman I lived with ultimately had a psychotic episode that required more care so I needed to move. A woman I worked with was looking for a roommate- she was a single mother of a teenage boy. I agreed to move in with her. Not the best decision, I have to admit. I turned 21 while living with this woman and her son. I had maintained contact with the people I met in college and the “friend” I mentioned above took me to my first dance club. I had stopped going to church and my Dad would ask me about my church attendance every time I visited my parents. I blew him off and assured him God was still important to me. He was right to be concerned but I was an adult now so I didn’t feel I needed to listen to my parents anymore.

Once I went clubbing I found I really enjoyed it. I liked the loud music and it was great exercise. I tried to be responsible about it though - my friend would drink and I was the designated driver. I never gave my phone number out and never danced to the slow songs. I drank only soda (Coke) or water and developed good relationships with the bouncers and bartenders who would look out for me and help ensure my safety. We would go only on Ladies’ Nights so we didn’t have to pay anything to get in - but every dance club had a different Ladies’ night so we would go clubbing multiple times each week. Being the designated driver, I got most of my drinks (soda/Coke) for free. But it was an unhealthy lifestyle in every respect and I ended up getting strep throat, followed 6 months later by mononucleosis (Mono). After a year or so of clubbing, I called it quits.

At this point, I had moved in with my college “friend” who had been raised catholic but who was obviously not a practicing catholic. We had many discussions about faith as she also considered herself a Christian. I had a horrible testimony because I was participating in this worldly lifestyle with her. While living with her I felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit and began reading my Bible again. I found a solid church to attend and even invited some of my new church friends over to our apartment for a Christmas in July party. My roommate met all of my new church friends but she had gotten involved with some guys from Saudi Arabia. She dated several of them, learned all about their culture, learned to cook their foods, learned to speak Arabic, etc. Ultimately she converted to Islam and agreed to an arranged marriage which is when we parted ways and I moved in to an apartment alone.

I got very involved in my new church which happens to be the church I attend to this day - where I met my husband and where we raised our children.

And now to the consequences part of my story. As it turns out, they have now proven a link between several viruses, including the Epstein-Barr virus (the virus that cause’s mononucleosis) and Multiple Sclerosis.

[Scientists have long suspected — but failed to prove — a link between certain viral infections and the development of multiple sclerosis, a crippling autoimmune disease that affects nearly 1 million Americans. Now, a study led by Stanford Medicine researchers has proved that the Epstein-Barr virus, triggers multiple sclerosis by priming the immune system to attack the body's own nervous system.]

So, had I not been going out clubbing 3 or 4 nights a week (before the no-smoking in public areas laws were a thing) - getting very little sleep, very little nutrition and still working a full time job, my immune system wouldn’t have been compromised and I would likely not have even been exposed to the Epstein Barr virus. It is entirely possible I would not have ever triggered multiple sclerosis and, thus, I can state with a fair amount of confidence that a year of clubbing- and away from the Lord - caused me to develop multiple sclerosis. It is a consequence of my sinful behavior that I must live with for the rest of my life.

I 100% still believe God allowed me to develop multiple sclerosis to protect me from something much worse and to draw me closer to Him. I believe He continues to use multiple sclerosis in my life as a blessing to me - and to others. But it is also the tool He is using to punish me for disobedience in my early 20’s. It has been a blessing AND a curse and to try to fool myself into thinking it was allowed into my life only to be a blessing would be a mistake and I would miss out on the lesson I am supposed to learn about how God expects me to live my life and how horribly I had botched it!

So, my life with MS is a cautionary tale that I hope will prevent someone from making the same mistakes I did. And in the end, at the true heart of it, the lesson I want my children to learn from my story and that is hardest to swallow in some ways is: I should have listened to my parents.😉

Weariness

I admit I am feeling very weak and weary right now. One of the really difficult aspects of MS is that I never know from day to day how I am going to feel because it doesn’t depend on ANYTHING. I can have a really busy day and the next day I will either be too tired to do more than just the basic necessities or I might have more energy than the day before and accomplish a whole list of things. There is no rhyme or reason to it.

But one of the other truly frustrating aspects of MS is that mental fatigue is worse than physical fatigue. Just the effort it takes to follow a conversation, take in the meanings and process the information and try to formulate a response is not something that comes as easily for me as it once did. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy fellowship and conversation and the energy it takes out of me is worth it in my opinion. But there are days (like today) when the noise of voices becomes too much for my brain - when there isn’t time for a mental break - and I get SOOOOO tired!

Right now my left leg is barely functional and the inside of my mouth has lost more feeling than usual. And I have been really dizzy and off balance - can’t walk straight to save my life. I should be in bed. I am all ready for bed. My son and husband are in bed. But my daughter is at school at a dress rehearsal for her drama class. It was supposed to be over at 9pm but they are running late and it’s already 9:30. I still have to get her home and get her something to eat and pack her lunch for school tomorrow before I can finally get myself to bed.

Tomorrow I will go grocery shopping and volunteer at my son’s school…

And now it’s Wednesday! I was too tired to finish this post on Monday and was too busy and tired to write on Tuesday. Such is my life. It has been a hard week…

And the worst thing about it is that there has been nothing really hard about this week!!! I have been on sensory overload all week so far though and it has been exhausting.

But this I know. I have met every challenge so far and the Lord has sustained me.

Have you ever done a “trust fall” with a friend? Where you just let yourself fall backwards, trusting your friend behind you to catch you before you hit the ground? Well, I am trusting Jesus to catch me as I fall backward into His arms. He knows, much better than I, what suffering and fatigue REALLY feel like. And He has never once dropped me or failed to catch me as I, weak from my daily struggles, helplessly fall backwards.