Strong Willed?

I have been repeatedly been told that I am strong willed and that I don't recognize the limitations placed on me by MS. I am told that I am over-confident in my abilities and don't recognize that there are things I just can't do anymore.  I am misunderstood.  

But I have difficulty articulating my thoughts on this issue verbally without sounding defensive.  If I object to this characterization of me and try to explain why I believe it is incorrect, I am told that I am argumentative and contrary, prideful and unwilling to accept criticism. I don’t have the luxury of taking my time during these “discussions” to collect my thoughts and formulate coherent expressions without sounding like a whiney teen trying to get out of trouble. So I have stopped trying to be understood and am just resigned to be viewed in a way that is inaccurate, in my opinion anyway. 🙂 In short, I would rather be viewed incorrectly as over-confident and strong willed than as contrary, argumentative and unwilling to take criticism.

But for the record, the reason I am viewed as strong willed and over-confident is because I have a can-do attitude and that is something I refuse to give up. It helped me when I was young and healthy because, even if I didn’t know how to do something, I was very resourceful and was always willing and able to put the hard work in to figure out how to get a job done. Now, I am less able to learn how to do new things - especially if they are complicated. But I do not want to be that person who gives up on life and never tries because they are convinced they can’t.

I have MS, yes! And there ARE things I truly CAN’T do anymore - like run, clean the house thoroughly top to bottom in one day, multi-task, etc. But these are not the types of things I am talking about. There are things I can still do but just not as quickly as I used to. I can still cook, for instance, but now I have to start much earlier so I can take my time, working more sequentially than trying to get multiple things done at once. I can still do laundry, but I just need time to fold things and get them put away because I can’t feel my fingers and so I fumble around a little and I can’t walk fast or I could trip and fall. I can still pull weeds and do yard work but my legs need frequent breaks and I get lightheaded easily if I am bending over or looking up too much - I am not efficient but I can physically do the work. And I SHOULD continue to do whatever activities I can now to keep from continuing to get weaker because the day I truly CAN’T do those things will arrive much more quickly if I am not trying now while I CAN. So, when told I can’t go on a hike or out for a walk or a variety of other things, I always say “Yes I can!”

I am a positive person by nature - an eternal optimist. That doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize my limitations or can’t admit when something is beyond my abilities. What it means is that I am always willing to give it a try and that I need people to exercise patience and grace while I work through a task more methodically than they would. And bear with my upbeat music because that really helps me with energy and focus.

I recognize it is frustrating for someone who is high energy, efficient and enjoys juggling multiple things at once to see someone like me slowly chopping vegetables for stir-fry because I am afraid I might cut a finger and not be aware of it until I see blood (because some of my fingers are numb). But that does not mean that I need someone to take over for me. If there is no deadline we are trying to meet, just let me struggle!

Correct me if I am wrong in these attitudes but I truly believe I should not give up on trying to continue to participate in life - even if my ability to do so is awkward or slow. I can laugh about my inefficiency - and I actually really enjoy a good laugh at my own expense. I don’t take myself too seriously but I think that is where I am viewed as over-confident sometimes as well.

What I am trying to do is to make sure the people around me know I can still do things to contribute - that no one needs to feel burned out and like they have to be responsible for everything. And that they can laugh with me about how I got out a butter knife instead of a butcher knife to cut up a watermelon or accidentally spilled blueberries all over the kitchen or how I sang the wrong words to that song.😉

Now, where I AM strong willed, and the Lord is really working with me on this, is in the area of receiving care from my loved ones. I do NOT want to be a person who can’t take care of myself, let alone my family. I recognized a long time before I got MS that I was going to be a terrible patient if I ever needed full time care. I just don’t trust people not to drop me if I need help transferring from a wheelchair to a bed, for example. But I hope and pray that this is a lesson I am able to learn before the Lord forces me to learn it through becoming increasing disabled.

This has been a long and rambling post but I guess what I am trying to say is that I AM confident but I am confident in the LORD - that He will provide me with the strength and abilities necessary to meet each moment and accomplish every necessary task or goal. And I am strong willed in that I will not allow my faith in God’s ability to sustain me to be shaken or questioned. This is what I meant when I said I was misunderstood. Not that I am not confident or strong willed, but that I am not SELF-confident or over-confident in my own abilities.

I was just reading in John 15 this morning: ““I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.” ‭‭John‬ ‭15‬:‭5‬ and I immediately thought of Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through him who strengthens me. I am very aware that I can’t even take my next breath without Jesus’ help. But conversely, I am confident that Jesus Christ will give me the strength to accomplish anything required of me.